The Deadliest Foe: Boredom
by Wide Spread Panic
Summary: AU.G1/IDW. The younglings are bored, which is never a good thing. Especially with tons of mechs around to torture. The mechs find that bored young-bots are much scarier than the cons ever were. Takes place between Are We There Yet and How Far We've Come.
1. Ch1: Movie Time

Disclaimer: Do not own or claim to own Transformers. I just own Joey and my odd little mind.

Author's Note: UTTER CRACK. I'm planning the story to be one-shots that take place between _Are We There Yet?_ and _How Far We've Come_. Continuity-wise, it takes place a little after _Story Time._ This random idea popped up and it WON'T GO AWAY! It's been following me for two day. T.T So, to rid myself of it, I shall pass it on to you guys. Beware: I had far too much caffeine and chocolate when I wrote this, so it WILL be random and possibly disturbing. Enjoy!

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Ch.1: Movies

"Okay, if those humans have guns and that one just has that metal thingy—"

"Sword," Joey and Drift instantly interjected.

Hot Rod rolled his optics at her. "_Sword, _fine. Why don't the humans with guns shoot the human with a sword? How can their aim be that terrible, I mean, I know their humans so they're bound to be pitiful, but come on!"

Joey sighed and propped her chin up on her hands. She was sprawled out on Drift's shoulder and he was lying on his stomach. After Bumblebee and Bluestreak both accidentally shot their weapons instructor, i.e. Ironhide, in the foot he had chased them out of the training room and they had been fairly bored since then. Especially Sideswipe; Sunny had been thrown in the brig for attacking Cliffjumper and Sides was pouting about it. Joey, at a loss as to how one went about keeping the giant aliens amused, had suggested a movie. So after digging through her bag of junk she'd brought with her, she pulled out her battered laptop and a handful of movies. After a small debate, she'd ended up picking out the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy for the mechs to watch.

The rec room had a huge screen that was supposed to be used for communicating face-to-face throughout the base, but she and Sideswipe had managed to convince Wheeljack to hook her laptop up to it so they could watch the movie on it.

Hot Rod was sitting on the couch along with a bored off-shift Jazz. Sideswipe was stretched out alongside Drift in the floor, and Bumblebee and Bluestreak were sitting on either side of Jazz's legs.

The mechs, she decided, just didn't understand movies. "They can't kill him, Hot Rod," she said patiently. "He's the hero. The movie would be over."

* * *

Mechs have a different sense of time than humans. To Joey the three movies took a long time to watch, to the mechs they were too short. Sideswipe actually pouted when the last movie ended.

"And now I'm bored again," Hot Rod muttered and he folded his arms.

Jazz chuckled. "Humans come up with some slaggin' weird stuff," he said with a shake of his head.

Sideswipe sat up suddenly, his optics blazing. "Pirates!" He exclaimed and he clapped his hands together with a resounding boom. "We could bust Sunny out of the brig as pirates!"

The others eyed him skeptically. "Why would we want to bust _him_ out of the brig? He's a jerk," Hot Rod pointed out.

Sideswipe pursed his lips and scowled. "Can you think of anything better to do?" Sideswipe demanded.

Drift sat up as well, sending Joey tumbling and Bumblebee leaned forward to catch her before she hit the hard metal floor. "That actually might be fun, but one problem. No pirate stuff," Drift pointed out as he turned and took Joey from Bee. She flipped him off irritably.

"Wheeljack could hook us up," Jazz said and the younglings and human looked at him surprise. He grinned at them. "Just because I'm not a youngling doesn't mean the Jazz-man isn't up for a little fun."

"This won't end well," Joey muttered as the mech, headed off to find a certain engineer.

* * *

Wheeljack tilted his head to one side with his vocal indicators flashing. "Why do you want that stuff?" He asked with as perplexed an expression as someone with half their face covered by a face plate could.

Joey made a hopeless gesture.

"We're going to spring Sunny from the brig," Sides declared with a smirk.

Wheeljack looked from one face to another, uncertain.

"Don't worry, Jacks," Jazz said with a grin. "We won't tell were we got this stuff from."

Wheeljack fidgeted and Sideswipe and Drift made puppy eyes at him. "Pleeeeeaaase?"

* * *

Red Alert walking to his office with a load of data pads heard running feet and turned. He stared and rebooted his visual sensors. There didn't seem to be any error, but he couldn't possibly be seeing what he thought he was seeing. That couldn't be Jazz with a strip of fabric tied around his helm and dangling bits of hose and metal and wielding a piece of pipe at him. Nor could those be Hot Rod, Drift, Sideswipe, Bumblebee, with the human sitting on his shoulder, and a nervous looking Bluestreak dressed in the same manner.

"I'm Captain Jazz Sparrow," he drawled. "Be you knowing who has the keys to the brig?"

Red Alert stared. "You look ridiculous. Has your CPU shorted out?"

The mechs exchanged looks. "What now? He's not cooperating," Hot Rod mumbled.

"Um, tie him up!" Jazz suggested.

Drift and Sideswipe stepped forward with a length of special filament that they'd borrowed from Wheeljack and even a mech couldn't break. The two mechs grinned and Red's optics widened. "You will not! I am a superior officer—"

The rest of whatever he was going to say was cut off when they gagged him and left him tied in the corridor. Sideswipe pausing to write the words: Dead Men Tell No Tales over his head on the wall amid giggles. Red Alert struggled against his bonds, realized he wasn't going anywhere and huffed. _Frag._

**Prime? Prowl? Someone untie me!** He snarled across his private communications system.

* * *

Sunstreaker looked up as he heard a loud crash. Ironhide snorted in his recharge and on-lined his optics. Sunny raised an optic ridge as Hot Rod, Drift and Sideswipe rounded the corner holding lengths of pipe. Jazz, with half his visor covered in fabric, leveled a piece of pipe at Ironhide.

"Free William Sun-Turner from the brig, or else!" Jazz ordered.

Ironhide's optic twitched. "You been hittin' the high-grade again? Scram!"

"ATTACK!" Drift howled and the younglings tackled Ironhide. Sunny stood up and walked to the bars to watch the fight.

* * *

Several hours later.

* * *

"Why?" Prime asked.

The younglings had, for no apparent reason and led by Jazz, went on a rampage throughout the base. After Red Alert had contacted them, Prime and Prowl had found Cliffjumper, Hound, Mirage, and Cosmos also tied up in various corridors, some of them taking it better than others. Ironhide had been found shoved inside Sunny's cell and tied up.

Prowl had had to hold him back to keep him from jumping the younglings and Jazz on sight when he'd been untied.

Now the five younglings, the freed Sunstreaker, the human and the saboteur were standing in a line in Prime's office. While Prowl glared at them all.

The accused all turned to look down the line at Sideswipe and he shrugged. "We were bored," he said honestly.

Prowl put his face in his hands and Prime sighed. "Can't you find a less destructive way to amuse yourselves?" Prime asked hopelessly.

His only answer was more shrugs.

* * *

When Joey and the others were finally freed from the brig, they'd been imprisoned for three days, the first thing they noticed was a big sign had been erected in the rec room. It said:

**Human movies are contraband. Anyone found in possession of human movies will be confined to the brig. No excuses.**

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Author's note: Heh. I warned you that it was random. I might continue this between updating How Far We've Come. Depends on what you guys think. Review, please.


	2. Ch2: Graffiti

Disclaimer: Don't own the Transformers, just Joey and the plot.

Author's note: I'm glad my craziness amuses you guys. I usually just use my powers of randomness to mess with my coworkers. Heh. This one, like the other, takes place between _Are We There Yet_ and _How Far We've Come_.

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Ch.2: Graffiti

Joey, for lack of anything better to do, was flipping through a copy of Cosmo and with a childish vindictive pleasure she carefully drew a mustache on each model. She was in her quarters stretched out on a thick slab of metal covered with a stolen mattress that served as her bed. All the younglings were on shift, Wheeljack was working on a new experiment that would probably blow up, and she didn't know any of the other mechs well enough to seek them out. Jazz was okay, but she was too shy to go hunt the friendly mech down.

The models annoyed her to an extent. Even though Wheeljack had done a great job constructing her quarters, she was running low on supplies again and she'd soon have to enlist one of the mechs to haul her to town. Her long dark hair was getting shaggy and she decided she could certainly use some new clothes.

She nibbled on the end of her marker thoughtfully and about screamed as her mattress shifted. She glanced over one shoulder and found herself face to face with Sideswipe's holoform. She screamed and kicked him off the bed in a fury.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?" She shrieked.

Sideswipe picked himself up off the floor and flopped back onto the bed on his back. He grinned up at her. "You're too easy."

"I thought you guys had to do… whatever it is giant aliens do," she muttered.

"Prowl told me to go back to my quarters after I _accidentally_ spilt a container of Wheeljack's experimental glue and Mirage _accidentally_ tripped face first in it." Sideswipe smirked and laughed at her expression. He snatched her magazine out her hands and flipped through it. "Why do these femmes have facial hair? I thought it was just male humans that grew hair on their faces," he said amusedly.

She blushed slightly and yanked her magazine back. "I drew those on them."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "I was bored. And it's fun… in a mean way."

He leaned over to stare at the pictures and a small smile touched his lips. He looked up and grinned brilliantly at her. "Gotta go!" He exclaimed and his holoform disappeared.

She stared at the spot he had just vacated and raised her eyebrows.

* * *

Bumblebee dropped his energon cube and his mouth fell open as Ratchet stalked into the rec room that following morning. The medic was still partially in recharge and dragging his feet, his optics dim.

Jazz, Beachcomber, and Hound stopped talking as the medic walked by and Prowl while staring at Ratchet in horror, walked into Cosmos, knocking the other mech over.

Prime slowly lowered his energon cube as Ratchet slumped into a chair clutching a cube. The medic sipped at it groggily as the other mechs in the room stared. Sideswipe nudged Drift and he choked on his energon loudly, making the other younglings look up curiously. Joey moaned and put her face in her hands when she saw.

On Ratchet's face, someone had painted a large, curly black mustache. Since giant alien mechs didn't use mirrors, he walked around with it for two days before anyone was brave enough to actually tell him. After losing an argument with Prowl over it, Optimus ended up being the one to point out the mustache.

Sideswipe ended up being thrown in the brig to _protect_ him from Ratchet's wrath. Of course, the medic was waiting when Ironhide let Sides out of the brig, but in all fairness he gave Sideswipe a ten second head start before he went after him.

* * *

Author's note: Very short and extremely random. This was written after far too much energy drink and after just getting off work. See what caffeine does to your brain, kiddies? Review please!


	3. Ch3: Tag You're It

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers. Just the plot and Joey.

* * *

Ch.3: Tag, You're it.

One of the things about being in base full of large mechs that Joey found the most annoying was when Drift couldn't find anything to do. She had gotten into the habit of hiding from him, though he usually found her fairly quickly. That day she had decided to brave the dangers of being blow into organic goo in Wheeljack's lab. She sat cross legged, with a book in hand, on the counter that ran around the lab while Perceptor and Wheeljack messed with something that was beyond her ability to identify. She had learned fairly quickly not to ask the scientist or the engineer what they were doing unless she wanted to be put to sleep by their science-babble.

She heard the door whoosh open and tensed. The red and white mech peered around and grinned as he spotted her. "Hey, Fluffy," he said as he walked over.

She tried to hide behind her little paperback, hoping he'd go annoy someone else for a change. No such luck. He leaned down to her eye level and stared. She ignored him and he stared at her. Finally, she sighed and put her book down.

"Hello, Drift."

"Let's go do something."

"Can't you go bug the twins?" She pleaded. "Go play tag or something," she muttered vaguely, without really thinking about what she was saying.

His head tipped to one side. "What's that?"

"What's what?" She asked exasperatedly.

"Tag. What is it?"

She shrugged. "It's a human game. Kid's play it. See, one kid will 'tag' another by lightly hitting them and then the one that got tagged is it. The one that's it has to tag someone else to stop being it."

"Why don't they want to be it?" Wheeljack asked. She blinked and looked over and realized both Perceptor and Wheeljack had been listening curiously.

"I dunno, it's bad, I guess."

"Why?" Drift asked and she shrugged again.

"It just is."

"How does one go about winning this game?" Perceptor asked.

She slowly began to bang the back of her head against the wall. _Why?_ She wondered. _Why must they be so… curious? I just want to read… _"When me and my big sister used to play, we'd just play until we both got too tired to play anymore. Whoever was still tired lost. I don't know if there's actual rules to the game or not."

Drift pursed his lips and then nodded slowly. "That could be fun, I guess," he said and he left the room. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.

_Why do I get the distinct impression that something bad is about to happen?_ She wondered as the scientist and engineer resumed their work.

* * *

She had fallen asleep with her book in the lab and she was rudely awakened when two large hands slammed onto the counter on either side of her with a loud BANG! She woke up with a scream and slammed her head backwards into the wall and cursed. Ratchet lowered himself until his pale, blazing optics were inches from her.

"Er, can I help you?" She asked warily.

He picked her up rather rougher than usual and stomped down the hall. He stopped in front of the rec room door and looked down at her. "I don't know how or why, but I know you have something to do with this," the medic growled.

The rec room door slid open and the scene before her was a brawl. Sideswipe, Jazz, Cliffjumper, Ironhide, Sunstreaker, Mirage, Drift and Hot Rod were all fighting and yelling. Her eyes widened.

"I didn't do anything," she protested quickly and the medic growled.

"Wheeljack told me about 'tag,'" he said irritably. "Apparently, Drift wanted to play so he 'tagged' Cliffjumper by smacking him in the head. Cliffjumper lunged for Drift, but accidentally tripped over Sideswipe's foot and slammed into Sunstreaker. Sunstreaker attacked Cliffjumper and the two of them crashed into Ironhide. Sideswipe joined in to help Sunstreaker. Drift, meanwhile, also 'tagged' Mirage and the two of them got into a fight. Hot Rod apparently just joined in for no slagging reason."

She stared at the chaos and couldn't help a tiny goofy grin.

Ratchet was thoroughly un-amused. In a completely serious tone, he asked, "Have you been sent straight from the pit to help the twins offline me?"

"You want me to wait in the brig?" She guessed sheepishly.

Ratchet sighed. "Yes."

* * *

Author's note: See, this is why you don't teach giant alien robots human kiddy games. Thanks for reading and keep reviewing, please!


	4. Ch4: Mud

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic in no way owns the Transformers! She only owns Joey, the plot and her twisted mind!

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Ch.4: Mud

Joey had finally found a safe haven from the younglings. She'd been introduced to the bot, Beachcomber and had discovered a peaceful and laid back mech in him. Best of all, he didn't snatch at her, he didn't play practical jokes on her, and he didn't get the Hatchet mad at her either. So, she had agreed to hang out with him and the off-shift Hound.

She just hadn't realized that the two mechs wanted to "hang out" outside in the baking, stifling heat. She was sitting in the meager shade of the green mech Hound while he and Beachcomber chatted about how beautiful the ugly, red sandy desert was to them. Even though the sky was cloudy, it was still unbearably hot.

"… I'm just sayin' that I like that color in the sky, man," Beachcomber said. The mech had a very relaxed way of speaking and he reminded her of a surfer-wannabe who'd gone to high school with her.

"It's okay," Hound agreed, and then he pursed his lips. "It's much better when the sun goes down, though."

Beachcomber nodded slowly. "Cha, man. That's a sweet set of colors, huh?"

Joey shook her head mildly. _Never again_, she thought grouchily. _This is boring._ She slumped back with her head against Hound's ankle. She closed her eyes and felt something plop onto her nose. She wrinkled her nose and squinted one eye open and another rain drop plopped onto her face. With a feeling of dread, she groaned.

Suddenly, it began pouring down rain. _Oh, come on!_ She thought irritably. _It's the desert!_ _It's not supposed to rain like this! _Mother Nature wasn't listening though; it began raining harder as if to spite her. She scowled and darted under Hound's raised knee for cover and the mechs grunted as the rain drenched their metal skin.

"Huh, you know when it rained on Cybertron is was acidic. It'd melt your armor to be out in it," Hound commented to Joey in a happy tone.

She glared up at him. "We're getting wet!" She protested. "And muddy!" The red sandy dirt was quickly becoming red mud and it was clinging to her shoes. She squealed angrily as one of her sneakers was swallowed alive by the mud, making her unbalance and fall on her butt. "A little help?!"

Hound chuckled and scooped her up and she flopped down into his large palm. She glared over at Beachcomber and her scowl faded. The mech was standing with his arms spread and his head tipped back to the rain, a look of sheer bliss on his face. She deflated, somehow not having the power to demand they go in and ruin Beachcomber's moment.

_It's not so bad up here_, she thought with a tiny smile. She looked at her mud caked pants and she swatted at it, but only succeeded in getting it all up her arm and all over her hand. _It's not like I'm as prissy as Sunny or anything, but…_

She paused, her mental train derailing and she stared at the thick mud on her hand. A tiny smile touched her lips.

* * *

The whole base was startled by an angry scream that following morning. Sunstreaker ran out into the corridor as curious mechs stuck their heads out of their doors to see what was going on. Sunny went running by covered in a coating of mud, screaming threats and profanity as he went.

Sideswipe looked down the hall at the little human and the two shared a quick thumbs-up.

She knew there would be hell to pay once Sunny found out who'd given Sides the mud idea, but for the moment it was so worth it.

* * *

Author's note: Please review! Next up: Paintballs, because blood shifter asked for it! If any of you guys want to request something, leave it in your review. This is my little "for fun" story for when I have writer's block on _How Far We've Come_. Just remember, these take place between the stories_ Are We There Yet_ and _How Far We've Come._ Thank you guys, you rock!


	5. Ch5: Paintball Guns of Doom

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, I only borrow them for my own strange amusement. I only own Joey, and the idea for this one belongs to blood shifter.

* * *

Ch.5: Paintball Guns of Doom or Why, Wheeljack, Why?

With the threat of being stomped to death by a furious Sunstreaker hanging over her head, Joey decided that hanging out with the adult aliens for safety was a decent idea. Unfortunately, she hadn't managed to endear herself to most of them. Ratchet didn't like her because people tended to end up in the med bay for stupid reasons when she was around, Red Alert didn't like her because she constantly covered up the security feeds in her room, Prowl didn't like her because he'd caught her making faces at him when he'd been lecturing the twins for something, and Ironhide didn't like her because she'd made fun of his accent… repeatedly. Prime was so big he scared her, after all, if you were a tiny organic creature and you annoyed a very huge alien, you might get squished and seeing as how he was in charge, she was pretty sure he would get away with it with only a minor scolding from Ratchet. Beachcomber and Perceptor weren't scary enough to deter Sunny and she wasn't sure if they'd even bother trying to stop him. Cliffjumper was too scary and Cosmos, Hound, Mirage, and Jazz were on patrol.

That left Wheeljack as her only hope. So, she found herself sitting on the counter in Jacks' lab and praying to every deity she could think of that he didn't blow her to kingdom come by accident. Every time he said the word "Fascinating," she tensed and waited for the explosion, but it never came. She wondered if maybe facing an angry Sunny might be safer… no, probably not. She still couldn't believe that Sides had ratted her out about the mud thing.

Something popped and fizzled and she yelped. Jacks stumbled backwards coughing and swatting at the thick yellow smoke that was issuing from whatever he had been tinkering with. She eyed him suspiciously. _I need some sort of protection, then I wouldn't have to hide out in here waiting to get blown into teeny gooey bits. A weapon, too, then Sunny couldn't get me. Maybe._

She pursed her lips and suddenly looked at Wheeljack in a new light. _Heeeey…_

"Hey, Wheeljack? Could you make me something, please?" She asked and the engineer glanced up curiously.

"Like what?"

She considered it. She was pretty sure Red Alert's head would explode if she ran around the base with an actual gun. "Like armor," she said slowly. "Have I ever told you about paintball guns?"

* * *

Sunstreaker stalked up the hall, followed by an amused Sideswipe. He had decided that he had to punish the squishy for what she'd done, after all, if she got away with slag like that then others might try it. He growled irritably and Sideswipe chuckled. He was only along to watch the chaos.

They heard the sound of squealing tires and Wheeljack in his alt mode tore up to them. His window rolled down and the little human femme leaned out with a tiny weapon in hand. "Die Sunny's paint job! Die!" She cackled and she opened fire on the twins.

Sunny snarled as the weapon's tiny projectiles impacted in neon pink splatters across both mechs' chests. Wheeljack had taken the basic paintball idea and reworked and supercharged it into impact-triggered paint bombs to maximize the area covered by the splatter.

"Fascinating," Wheeljack declared amid laughter.

Sunny's optics went white and Joey and Wheeljack both whispered, "Oh, slag."

Wheeljack hastily threw himself into reverse, making Joey slam her head into the steering wheel. Wheeljack's huge guns slid out and he opened fire to distract the twins. Only, rather than energy blasts, even larger neon green paint bombs slammed the two younglings. Wheeljack spun around and tore off amid cackling.

"I'LL KILL YOU TWO!!" Sunstreaker screamed as he transformed and chased them. Sideswipe poked the paint on his chest and grinned. He transformed and gave chase.

* * *

Red Alert and Prowl were walking down the hall, each with an armful of data pads, when they heard the rev of engines. They both managed to flatten out against the wall to avoid getting mowed down, but Wheeljack caught them with a parting gift of neon green paint. Sunstreaker and Sideswipe tore after them covered in more of the paint, Sunny screaming insults and threats.

The two officers stared at the paint, each other, and then without a word, they transformed and took off after the group.

* * *

In the end, three floors of the base were splattered with green or pink paint it took Ratchet, Optimus, Prowl, and Red Alert to hold back Sunstreaker so he couldn't kill the guilty parties.

Optimus turned to the human and the engineer who were looking embarrassed and trying not to laugh. Optimus had several pink splotches on his chest where he's tried to stop them and had been nailed by a too-eager Joey. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why, Wheeljack? Why?"

* * *

Author's note: For blood shifter, who suggested paintballs. What do you guys think? Got any suggestions? Review!


	6. Ch6: Pimp my Medic

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah… er, that is to say that Wide Spread Panic doesn't own Transformers, only Joey and her twisted imagination. This one was requested by: blood shifter, who wanted something inspired by the show Pimp My Ride. Oh, dear, this isn't going to end well...

* * *

Ch.6: Pimp my Medic

While Wheeljack was marginally glad that the gun hadn't blown up inside him, he had been mortified when it had chosen to explode. As soon as Joey climbed out of his alt mode, the gun had decided to blow up in a huge pink ball of sparks and smoke and paint, coating him, the human, the officers, the twins and to his horror, Optimus Prime in a cheerfully bright pink coloring.

Wheeljack shifted uneasily and Prime sighed. "Just… go," Prime said tiredly and he pointed.

* * *

Several days later, Jacks had finally managed to rid himself of the pink coloring. The mechs had been able to apply chemical solvents to get rid of the horrible coloring; Joey though, had been forced to walk around like that as her skin was too fragile for the chemicals. Prime had deemed that punishment enough and hadn't confined her to the brig this time.

As a result of being pink, though, the human was keeping to her quarters to avoid taunting from the twins, so the base had been relatively quiet. He felt slightly bad for her, but it_ had_ been her idea. He normally wouldn't have helped her go on her little rampage, but the idea of getting back at the twins for calling him "Gramps" and "Geezer-bot" had been far too appealing.

Wheeljack was glad of the quiet and was using the peace to work on a new weapon. The new weapon would destabilize the transformation cog and force any Cybertronian hit by the weapon's beam to switch to alt mode and they would be stuck that way for several hours, paralyzed and helpless.

He thought it was a good idea and he mentally congratulated himself.

* * *

Ratchet scowled as he rifled through the drawers in his med bay hunting a particular part. Finally, with a disgusted rev, he stood to go see if Wheeljack had been helping himself to the supplies in the med bay again.

He opened the door and heard the loud clanking sounds of a mech at work. He stalked inside without a word and his optics narrowed at the monstrosity Jacks was working on.

"What are you doing?" He thundered and Wheeljack jumped, slicing through a wire with his tool.

There was a loud explosion and both mechs were thrown backwards against opposite walls. They shuddered and began transforming into their alt modes against their will. They found themselves sitting on all four tires on opposite sides of the room facing each other, unable to move.

**What the frag did you do?** Ratchet roared as he realized he wasn't able to transform or move.

… **Whoops.**

**WHAT WHOOPS?!**

**Fascinating**, Wheeljack purred happily. **At least now I know it works.**

**What are you talking about?! **Ratchet all but shouted across the connection.

**The weapon I was working on. You know, Ratch, you should really learn not to sneak up on me when I'm working**, Jacks admonished lightly.

**I swear to Primus, I'm going to hurt you when I can move again**, Ratchet darkly swore. He tried to radio for help and realized that whatever else the blast had done, it had limited his communications to just inside the lab. He cursed in rage.

* * *

Sideswipe and Sunstreaker frowned when the lab door stuck and refused to open. They pushed it open, and stared in shock at the two mechs inside.

"Hey, Ratchet. What are you guys doing?" Sideswipe asked in genuine curiosity.

**We're stuck, you slaggers!** Ratchet snapped. **Go get Perceptor!**

Sunstreaker snickered and rubbed his hands together. The twins exchanged grins. "Looks like it's our lucky day," Sunny said with a smirk that made both mechs want to shiver.

* * *

Prime was recharging for the night when the ship-wide communications system crackled loudly to life, waking him up.

"Attention everyone! Please go down to Wheeljack's lab for a special surprise!" Sideswipe's voice rang out over the hidden speakers.

Prime sighed, but rolled off his berth to see what in Primus' name the twins had done now. He stepped into the corridor and spotted the officers poking their heads out of their doors; Jazz looking curious, Red Alert and Prowl cross.

"What the frag have they done now?" Red Alert grumbled, clearly not happy about missing his recharge.

Prime headed for the lab with the officers following.

When they arrived, a crowd had already formed. Most of them laughing or trying hard not to laugh. Prime stepped forward, the mechs parting to let him through. He stared and shook his head.

Ratchet and Wheeljack were both in their alt mode and someone, most likely the twins, had taken it upon themselves to redecorate their alt modes. Ratchet's ambulance form now sported neon orange flames, fins, and the pinstriped words: The Hatchet-Mobile. Wheeljack also had flames and fins welded to him along with a depiction of a flaming brain on his hood. He bore the words: Geezer-Geek.

**Not. A. Word.** Ratchet snarled at Prime.

* * *

Author's note: there you go, blood shifter. Review and request what you want to see next! I'm more than happy to torment the mechs. How about old Ironhide? I haven't done anything to him recently.


	7. Ch7: Globules of Evil

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers, just Joey.

Author's note: Shimmershadow30 said that Sunny's had enough and suggested tormenting Sides for a while. *rubs hands together* Heh.

* * *

Ch.7 :Globules of Evil

The pink had come off for the most part, though Joey's hair still had a funny reddish tinge and there was bright pink under her fingernails. There was enough of it, though to make her wary of going out in public and her supplies were getting dangerously low. In the end, she asked Jazz to make a grocery run for her. After all, Jazz was an adult mech; he could handle a simple little task like that. Right?

Joey stared at the thousands of little boxes that Jazz had unloaded in the little store room that had been designated the dumping ground for "human junk." She picked one up and turned it over and over in her hands. Technically it was food. Unfortunately, it was the only thing Jazz had bought her. Thousands and thousands of boxes of it. Jazz stood watching her expression with a pleased look.

She turned to Jazz with an ironic smile. "Jazz, sweetie, while I appreciate the effort… just how much chocolate instant pudding did you buy?" She demanded.

Jazz stared down at her, startled that she wasn't happy. "Don't humans eat that?"

She sighed. That was the problem with letting the aliens get the groceries. All they "ate" was various forms of energon; it was probably all the same, so she figured they probably thought all human food was the same too. "Yes, but not for _every single meal_. Besides, even if I tried, most of it would go bad before I could eat it." She shuddered at the idea of eating it every day.

Jazz looked crestfallen and she kicked mentally herself. "Look," she said, "you didn't do too bad a job. At least you didn't get tapioca flavored or something!" She grinned at him and snatched up a box. "I actually like this kind!"

He looked doubtful and she made puppy eyes at him. "How about a lift to the rec room?"

Jazz chuckled and crouched down to let her climb into his hand so he could take her to the rec room. Wheeljack had set up a little human food prep area in a corner on one of the counters running along one side of the rec room where the energon dispenser was. She was deposited there and set about trying to figure out how to make instant pudding.

* * *

**Plop.**

Sunny's optic twitched as the human tipped her spoon over and watched the brown goo plop back into the bowl. She had been doing this for several minutes while he, Drift, and Bluestreak watched with looks of mild disgust.

"Do you have to play with that… stuff?" Sunstreaker demanded with a shudder.

"Does it bother you?" She asked without looking up.

**Plop.**

"Yes, it does!"

"Then, yes. I have to."

Sunstreaker growled and glared at Drift as if to say that it was somehow his fault because she was his pet. "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!" Sunstreaker snarled as Joey was about to take a bite of pudding. "Slag, it looks like some organics' waste product!"

She paused with the spoon halfway to her mouth. She shot him a filthy look and dropped the spoon back into the bowl. "Yeah, Sunny, I needed that mental image. Thank you," she snapped and she stood up to throw it away.

Sunny picked up the discarded pudding box Joey had left on the table and held it up to his optics for scrutiny. "'Instant pudding.'" He shuddered again.

She returned and flopped back down on the table with her arms crossed. "Now, I can't eat it. Are you happy?" She demanded.

Sunny nodded and Drift and Bluestreak chuckled darkly.

"Well, what am I supposed to do with it all? Jazz bought like a bazillion boxes of it!" She griped irritably.

Sunstreaker stared at the little box curiously and then smirked. "I can get rid of it for you."

She stared up at him in mild surprise. It wasn't like Sunstreaker to be helpful and she eyed him suspiciously before saying, "Okay."

* * *

Sideswipe didn't like hitting the wash racks. If not for Sunny's insistence, the red twin would have merrily gone around with his armor caked in dirt and grime. And as usual, Sides had fallen into recharge in the "bath." (Kudos to Vaeru for the idea of a mech-sized bath in the wash racks. This prank couldn't happen without that idea. Lol.)

Sunny was all too aware of his twins' habits and as he made his way to the wash racks, he smirked. The mechs he passed gave him odd looks mostly because of the huge bag slung over his shoulder and the fact that he was cackling to himself, something only Sides usually did when committing a prank.

* * *

"GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Prowl, Ironhide, Jazz, and Mirage had been walking to the command center, but they froze at the sound of the audio-piercing scream. They turned to see Sideswipe come running by covered from mid-chest down with some kind of brown organic goo. The red mech ran past them towards the med bay still screaming like a lunatic and flailing his arms, sending globules of the goo splattering all over the startled mechs, the floor, the ceiling, and the walls.

"It's IN MY JOINTS! It's INVADING my SERVOS! GAAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHAT THE FRAG IS THIS STUFF?! IT BUUUUURNS!"

The three stared after the hysterical mech in shock. "Was that…" Mirage began and Jazz held up a hand.

"Don't ask."

"But—"

"No." Jazz shook his head and prodded a small blob that was clinging to his chest. "Just… No."

* * *

Author's note: oi, I typed and uploaded this between my psyche II class and my pre-calculus class and when I went back over it I found several mistakes. GRRR. Next chapter: Sideswipe + caffeine for animaluvr3… be afraid.


	8. Ch8: Caffeine

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own the Transformers. Just Joey.

Author's note: The caffeine was suggested by: animaluvr3. The idea for Sideswipe's "fixation" is courtesy of D-chan, aka RescueAngel. Enjoy.

* * *

Ch.8: Caffeine

Prowl glanced up from his energon cube and scowled at Sideswipe as the youngling sat down in the chair in front of him. The red twin had the little human riding on top of his helm and she grinned and waved at him. His optics narrowed.

"What do you two want?" Prowl demanded suspiciously. The second-in-command had learned the hard way that when those two were together bad things tended to occur.

Sideswipe glanced up and the little human leaned over his helm to stare back. They both grinned. "Heeeey, Prooooowl," they both said with identical grins.

Little warnings began scrolling in the tactician's CPU. He stood up hastily, snatching up his cube and began speed-walking for his office.

The prankster and the human burst out laughing. "We didn't even have to do anything this time!" Joey crowed with delight.

"We've got him trained pretty good," Sides agreed amid chuckles. He held up one finger and the human leaned forward to slap his finger with her hand. "You rock," he said.

"No, you rock."

"Yes. Yes, I do," Sideswipe said solemnly.

* * *

Bumblebee and Hot Rod slunk into the rec room giving Sideswipe and the human a wide berth. When they reached the energon dispenser, Hot Rod began filling a cube, while Bumblebee dug out a paper bag from his subspace. The little yellow minibot pulled out a tiny can with a label reading: Starbucks Energy Coffee. Tiny tools slid out of the tip of Bee's fingertips and he painstakingly opened the can and poured the contents into the energon. He pulled out nine more cans of the same stuff and continued opening and pouring them into the cube.

Bee glanced over to where Drift and Sunstreaker had joined Sideswipe and Joey at their table. "Do you think this will work?" Bee whispered.

Hot Rod smirked. "My plans always work." He paused and added, "As long as you don't mess up."

Bumblebee pouted. "I know what I'm supposed to do," he defended.

* * *

Bumblebee sat down on the other side of Sideswipe with the energon cube clutched in his hands. Sideswipe glanced at him and predictably, snatched the cube away with a grin. "Thanks, Shorty," he said as he tipped the cube up and took a large gulp.

Hot Rod and Bumblebee exchanged a look and Sunstreaker narrowed his optics suspiciously.

Sideswipe shuddered suddenly knocking Joey forward off his helm. Drift's hand shot out to catch her and he snarled warningly at the red twin. "Watch it, Sides!"

"Hey, this tastes… different." Sideswipe giggled suddenly and tipped the entire cube back, energon sloshing down his chin as he finished the cube. He shuddered again with a high-pitched whine. Suddenly, he threw his head back cackling.

Sunstreaker glared at Bumblebee and Hot Rod. "What the frag did you two do?"

They exchanged a look and made their optics wide. "_Nothing_," they drawled innocently.

They all whipped around at a loud crash. Sides had lurched to his feet knocking his chair over. With an idiotic grin on his face, he pranced over to the officer's table where Ratchet and Jazz were sitting. They both looked up curiously as the red prankster pounced to land in a crouch on their table, shocking them. He cackled and pointed at Jazz.

"You gotta thingy on your head! A visor thingy! WOOOOT!" He leaned in Jazz's face before cackling and darting away. "VISOR THINGYYYYYYY!!!"

Ratchet raised on optic ridge. "Do I even want to know what that was about?"

"Probably not," Jazz said with a shake of his head.

"VISOR THINGY!" Sideswipe's voice echoed down the hall.

**"Uh, does anyone know why Sideswipe just ran out of the base screaming the words: Visor Thingy?" **Hound asked over the public communications system.

* * *

A woman in a green convertible frowned at the red sports car following on her bumper. She slowed down and pulled over so the red car would go around, but the idiot only pulled over behind her. She yanked the rearview mirror down and froze. _There was no one driving the car._

With a scream, she nailed the gas and the red car tore after her. A disembodied voice screamed, "COME BACK, BABY! I LOVE YOU!!"

* * *

Prowl and Ironhide ended up being elected to drag Sideswipe back to the base. When they found him, he was in robot mode carrying a green convertible around. He punched Ironhide in the face when the other mech tried to take the driver-less car away. In the end, Prowl and Ironhide had had to knock him out in order to pry the dented car away from him and they had to drag him all the way back to the base.

* * *

At a gas station in the middle of the desert, a disheveled and wide-eyed woman stumbled inside the station blubbering about how Satan's Lamborghini had stolen her corvette after turning into a giant tipsy robot. Soon after, the mechanic on duty called the cops to report a possibly escaped mental patient. The police arrived and the hysterical woman was ushered into a straight jacket.

* * *

Author's note: The Lesson? If a driver-less Lamborghini chases you down and turns into a giant robot and professes his love to your convertible, don't tell anyone. Ever. Take the secret to your grave, people… Unless you like padded cells and straight jackets. Thanks for reading, you guys! Review and keep the suggestions coming!


	9. Ch9: Rampant Stupidity

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers. I only own Joey.

Author's note: Autobot6 requested something with dodge ball or super glue. Why not both? Unlike the others in this series, this one is set after chapter nine of How Far We've Come, because I needed Blurr's tiny attention span for this one. Enjoy and please review.

* * *

Ch. 9: Rampant Stupidity

"So let me see if I've got this right… One human throws this little ball, while another human with a stick tries to hit it. If the human with the stick hits it he has to run in a circle—"

"It's actually a diamond," Joey interjected.

Hot Rod shot her a simpering look. "He has to run around a _diamond_, while other humans chase after the little ball and then try to tag the running human with it as he tries to reach this _home base_?"

"It's a little more complicated than that, but that's the gist of it," she admitted with a nod.

"Your whole species is glitched," Tracks sneered. Tracks, Sunstreaker, Hot Rod, Blurr, and Drift were all sitting in the rec room drinking energon, while Joey sat with her back propped up against an empty energon cube. She had just been introduced to Tracks and Blurr, and Tracks already irritated her. "Are all your species' games so pointless?"

Joey glared at him. "Baseball's not pointless. If you want pointless try dodge ball."

"Dodge Ball? What's dodge ball?" Blurr asked. "Is it a game? It's a game isn't it? How do you play?"

"Basically kids are given rubber balls and they pelt each other with them," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Some people use different rules, like no nailing people in the head and stuff, but our teacher just told us if we crossed sides we were out, and if we caught the ball we were good. That was it rule-wise." She grinned evilly. "I was notorious for nailing people right between the eyes," she gloated.

Sunstreaker shook his head disgustedly. Blurr, however, simply stared at the empty energon cube in his hands with a look of intense concentration.

"You're… _proud_ that you're skilled in being mean to other humans?" Tracks asked incredulously.

She scowled at him. "It was a game." She fidgeted slightly. "And it was funny."

Tracks' optic ridge rose, but before he could comment further Blurr reared back and nailed him between the eyes with his energon cube. Tracks' arms flailed and he fell over backwards.

"Woot! I win! I win! I win! You lose! I win! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

Tracks scrambled to his feet as Blurr snatched up another empty energon cube and chucked it at Sunstreaker. Sunny dodged. "We're not playing a game, you glitch!" He snarled.

"You're just jealous of my mad skills! I'm the winner, you're all losers!" Blurr yelled as he snatched up more energon cubes and threw them. "I win! I win! I win!"

Joey barely had time to run for cover as Sunstreaker and Tracks dove across the table at Blurr.

* * *

Ratchet, walking from Optimus' office to his med bay, stumbled to a halt. He backed up and stared. Ironhide was standing with his arms crossed staring up at the corridor wall. Ratchet slowly walked up to stand beside him and he raised an optic ridge.

"How do ya reckon that happened? Sideswipe's still in the brig last I checked." Ironhide asked as he jerked a thumb at the object of their fascination.

Ratchet shook his head wordlessly.

"Well, I know I ain't gettin' him down," Ironhide announced as he turned and walked off.

Ratchet pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.** Prime?**

**Yes?**

**You need to come to corridor B-7.**

**Is something wrong?**

**Just… come see for yourself.**

Ratchet stared up at Blurr. The blue youngling's mouth had been welded shut and he had been super glued to the wall so that it looked as if he were waving. On the wall beside his head, someone had drawn a speech bubble. It said:

Hi! I'm a slagging glitched loser who doesn't know when to shut the frag up! Please punch me in the face!

* * *

Author's note: I'm doing the requests in the order they were submitted and next up is the "quiet game" for teotw!


	10. Ch10: Volume Control

Author's note: I don't own the Transformers, just Joey and the plot… but you all know that.

Author's note: This one was teotw's idea. Enjoy!

* * *

Ch.10: Volume Control

_There are just times when all you want is a nice quiet place to sit and read. Of course, when living with giant aliens, alone-time wasn't always an option_, Joey reflected. She had found a corner of an empty table in the rec room and had barely sat down, before Bluestreak and Blurr sat down on either side of her. She peered over her book at them and then resumed her reading.

"Hey, hey, what are you doing? Are you reading? You're reading aren't you? What are you reading? Is it good? It must be good if you're that far into it. That's like, what, one hundred pages? Am I right? Huh? Huh?" Blurr demanded as he leaned over her.

She felt one eye twitch as she looked up at the blue mech. "Shush," she said.

Bluestreak fidgeted. "Maybe we should go. I think we're bothering Joey."

She shot him a tiny smile.

"We're not bothering her. Why would we be bothering her? Are we bothering you? I'm bored. We should totally do something," Blurr babbled happily.

She sighed and closed her book and set it on the table. "I know a game you two could play."

"Really? What kind of game? Like dodge ball? Is it dodge ball—"

"Nooo," she interrupted loudly. "It's called… the Quiet Game."

Both younglings leaned closer curiously.

She grinned. "It's very simple, really. You two see which of you can keep quiet the longest. Whoever speaks first loses." She peered at them, making sure they were paying attention. "Okay? Starting now."

Blurr smirked. "I'm going to so win this!"

She felt her eye twitch again. "Kudos, there genius. You lose."

Blurr's optics widened. "That's not fair! Do-over! Do-over!"

"Okay. Starting now."

"What were the rules again?" Bluestreak asked quietly and Joey put her face in the palm of her hand.

"You lose," she said.

"Um… can we have another do over?"

"Why not. Okay, go," she said with a sigh.

"Ha! You're going down, you loser!" Blurr declared and he pointed at Bluestreak.

"Blurr?" She called to the blue mech.

"What?" He demanded.

"You lose."

"FRAGGIT! Do over! I wasn't ready yet!"

* * *

_15 minutes and 78 do-overs later..._

* * *

Joey rubbed her eyes. She was beginning to realize that Blurr just didn't have the attention span necessary to play that particular game. She smirked to herself. He had gone about two minutes so far.

Plus, they know had spectators. Jazz, Ironhide, and Cliffjumper had all been bored enough to sit down and watch the competition.

"Guess what, Blurr," she said casually, knowing what the youngling would do..

"What?" He asked instantly.

"You lose."

"Fraggit all!" The other mechs burst out laughing at him.

She glanced over at Blue, who was fidgeting unhappily and she took pity on him. "I think I've got a new game if you two are up to it. It's called the Staring Game. First to blink loses, starting now," she said as she walked over to Jazz. "Can you take me to my quarters, please?"

Jazz looked puzzled, but nodded and held out his hand for her to climb on. Behind them, both younglings leaned forward to glare at each other and Blurr yelled, "I've totally got this game!"

Jazz glanced down at her as he walked from the rec room. "You're game has a flaw, lil' lady," he said.

She glanced up innocently. "What's that?"

"Mechs don't blink."

"Oh, that. I know that," she said dismissively.

Realization dawned behind Jazz's visor. "How long do ya reckon it'll take them to figure that out?"

She shrugged. "Long enough for me to finish my book."

* * *

Author's note: Next up is: "Torture Songs" such as "Puff the Magic Dragon" for Shimmershadow30. Keep leaving suggestions. I'm having fun with this! ;)


	11. Ch11: Sing Along

Disclaimer: I don't own Transformers. I only own Joey.

Author's note: This chapter takes place after Chapter 11 of _How Far We've Come_. This idea is courtesy of: Shimmershadow30. Enjoy!

* * *

Ch.11: Sing Along

Talk was racing through the base about the captured Decepticon Air Commander like wildfire. To the younglings, the opportunity was just too perfect to pass up. The first part had been simple, jumping the mech currently on shift (Cliffjumper) and tying him up and tossing him into a supply closet.

Drift, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, Hot Rod, Bumblebee, Tracks, Blurr, and Bluestreak had clustered into the tiny guard area looking at the snoozing Decepticon on the monitor.

"So what should we do?" Hot Rod asked and he rubbed his hands together.

They were all silent, concentrating.

"Well, we gotta do something! You said we'd do something to him, so we gotta! Hurry up so we can make the Con cry! Come on!" Blurr yelled and he jumped up and down impatiently.

"Uh, we could paint him." Sunstreaker suggested as he ignored Blurr.

"Done that," Sideswipe said with a wave of one hand.

"What about welding him to something?" Tracks suggested.

"We've over-killed that one," Drift grumbled.

"Besides, we'd have to let him out for that and then we'd end up in trouble," Bluestreak mumbled.

Bumblebee fidgeted and waved one hand. "Hey, Joey and me were talking about human warfare and she was telling me about how the 'U. S' military played horrible music as 'psychological warfare' this one time."

"That is stupid," Tracks muttered.

Sideswipe, however, clasped his hands together eagerly. "Ooooh! I downloaded these really annoying human songs to use as a prank, but I haven't gotten a chance to use them yet!" Grinning like a maniac, he uploaded the files to the others.

Hot Rod made little retching sounds and Drift cringed.

Bluestreak shuddered. "That's just horrible. Why would they want to come up with stuff like that?"

Sunstreaker smirked. "Who cares? It's perfect."

* * *

Starscream on-lined one optic as the intercom in his cell crackled. He sat up on his berth and glanced around, but he was alone. His optics narrowed suspiciously. _Fragging Autobot scum._

He flopped back onto his side and off-lined his optics, willing himself to return to his nice dream of holding Megatron's severed head aloft, while sitting on his throne while femmes waited on him hand and foot.

"**Puff the magic DRAGON lived by the SEA!"** He jerked upright as loud and rabidly out of tune singing filtered over the intercom.

He twitched and looked up. _What the frag?_

_

* * *

_

_Thirty minutes later…_

* * *

"**Do you like WAFFLES? Yes, we like waffles! Do you like pancakes? Yes, we like PANCAKES! Doo-DOOT-de-doo! Can't wait to get a mouth FULL!!"**

Starscream sat with his back to the wall with his hands clamped over his audios. "That does NOT bother me!" He shrieked at the ceiling.

* * *

_One hour later…_

* * *

"**Oh, I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie WO-ORLD! IT'S fantastic! MADE OF PLASTIC!"**

One of Starscream's optics twitched. _What the frag is a fraggin' Barbie?_

* * *

_Two hours later…_

* * *

"**Oh, I KNOW a SONG that gets on EVERYYYYYONE'S NERVES! EveryONE'S nerves! Everyone's NERVES! I know a SONG that gets on EVERYONE'S nerves and THIS is HOW IT GOOOOOOOOES!"**

Starscream banged his helm against the wall in time with the song, unconsciously muttering along.

* * *

_Three hours later…_

* * *

"**I LOOOOOVE you! YOU love meeeeeeee! We're a HAPPY familyyyyyyy! With a GREAT big HUUUG and a KISS from—"**

"GRAAAHHH!" Starscream howled and clutched him helm, rocking back and forth. "MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF _PRIMUS_, _MAKE IT STOP!!!_"

* * *

Optimus Prime, Prowl, Ironhide, Ratchet, and Red Alert all stood in the Security Director's room watching the entire fiasco. Ironhide chuckled darkly as the seeker began slamming his helm against the wall, while begging for help.

"Should we take pity on him?" Prime asked with a grin that was hidden by his face plate.

"Not yet," Ironhide and Ratchet snapped in unison.

Prowl raised an optic ridge.

"One more hour," Ratchet insisted with a smug grin. "It's about time those little monsters did something to the Cons, instead of us."

Ironhide rubbed his hands together. "A cube of high-grade says his head explodes."

* * *

Author's note: Please review! Next up is: Trickster91's Questionnaire of Doom ;)


	12. Ch12: Questionnaire of Doom

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers… are we all agreed? Good.

Author's note: This one was requested by Trickster91! Enjoy!

* * *

Ch.12: Questionnaire of Doom

"So Jack created the Dinobots and they're sparklings, right?"

Sunstreaker, Hot Rod, Bumblebee, Blurr, Tracks, Sideswipe, Drift and Bluestreak looked up at the little human cautiously. "Duh," Sunstreaker said with a roll of his optics.

"And sparklings are babies, right?"

The younglings all adopted wary expressions. "Again, duh," Sunstreaker grumbled suspiciously.

"So that's how you guys reproduce? You just build babies?"

The younglings were all at a loss at that one.

"Nonono, that'snotit-that'swrong…" Blurr babbled out in a rush and he awkwardly stuttered into silence and then scratched the side of his helm. "Er,Driftcanexplain,yeah,Driftexplainittoher…"

"Um," Drift cleared his vocalizer sheepishly, "there's different, er, methods…" He trailed off embarrassedly and stared at the table.

Sideswipe and Bumblebee snickered.

Bluestreak flapped his hands in the air. "There's, um…"

"What about the femmes then? I've heard you guys talking about femmes."

A slightly longer silence.

"Um, there's bonded pairs, er…." Hot Rod trailed off and hesitated. "Um, I think I hear… um, Prime calling!" He darted away in a panic.

Drift and Tracks jumped up and chased after him, Tracks calling out, "I think I heard him too!"

Sideswipe and Bumblebee ran off without trying to come up with an excuse, still laughing.

Sunstreaker and Blurr shrugged at her and left, leaving her with a thoroughly embarrassed Bluestreak. Blue fidgeted uneasily. "Um, you should, um ask Prowl." He ran off, leaving her even more confused.

* * *

Prowl glanced up as his office door slid open, but no one was there. He raised an optic ridge, before returning to his work. He heard someone clear their throat and he sighed heavily. He leaned over his desk and sure enough, the little human was standing there. _Prime, just Prime. The Pit-spawned human._

"Can I help you?" He demanded.

"Where do sparklings come from?"

He stared at her. "_What_?"

She crossed her arms. "Where do baby you guys come from?"

"Why are you asking me?"

Her expression became mischievous. "Don't you know where your species' babies come from?"

"Of course I do," he snapped, visibly bristling.

"Then tell me."

"That is none of your business! Why could you possibly need to know that?"

Mischief won out over curiosity. His attitude certainly wasn't helping. She adopted her most innocent expression. "If we're going to get married, shouldn't I know these things?" She demanded and she tapped a foot. "How am I supposed to have your babies if I don't know?"

"WHAT?!" Prowl lurched backwards, tripped over his chair and fell on his aft.

She shrugged and turned on her heel to go find Wheeljack and ask him where sparklings came from, since Prowl hadn't been much help. _Even alien guys are morons. That's sad_, she thought with a shake of her head.

* * *

Sideswipe dragged Sunstreaker down the hall to Prowl's office. Blue had told him that he'd sicced her on the second-on-command and Sides really wanted to see the look of utter helplessness on the officer's face.

Unfortunately, when the pushed the door open, they found an off-lined Prowl sprawled on the floor behind his desk. Sunstreaker snorted and nudged him with a foot.

"Ratchet's gonna be glitched," the yellow twin pointed out.

Sideswipe looked at the fallen officer pensively. "You know, I still have one obnoxious human song left. We didn't get to use it on Screamer, 'cause Ratchet ran us off."

Sunny smirked. "Which one?"

* * *

"**It's a SMALL world AFTER ALL!**** It's a small world after ALL! It's a small WORLD after all!  
It's a small world after all! It's a small, SMALL WORLD!"**

Prowl on-lined one optic and climbed unsteadily to his feet, his helm aching. _What the frag… wait. That fraggin' human did it to me again. _He winced as his office's intercom kept merrily singing.

There was a pause. **"Hey, Sides? What are the rest of the words?"**

"**Frag if I know. Just keep singing the chorus!"**

"**It's a SMALL world AFTER ALL!**** It's a small world after ALL! It's a small WORLD after all!  
It's a small world after all! It's a small, SMALL WORLD!"**

He snarled and lurched for the door, only to slam face-first into the metal when it refused to open. He staggered back snarling and realized his door was welded shut.

_Frag._

"**It's a SMALL world AFTER ALL!**** It's a small world after ALL! It's a small WORLD after all!  
It's a small world after all! It's a small, SMALL WORLD!"**

**PRIME! A LITTLE HELP HERE!**

* * *

Author's note: Please review. Next up is: one of the younglings trapped in holoform for Meirelle!


	13. Ch13: Stuck

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers… are we all agreed? Good.

This one was requested by: Meirelle. Enjoy! Since Meirelle didn't specify which mech, I chose Hot Rod on the basis that I haven't tortured him recently.

* * *

Ch.13: Stuck

Sideswipe held up the device and Sunstreaker eyed it doubtfully. "Okay… so what does it do?" Sunstreaker asked.

Sideswipe tucked it under one arm and rolled his optics. "Brother dear," he purred and Sunny growled disgustedly, "this is the ultimate prank weapon. This device can temporarily disable a mech and traps them in their holoform."

Sunstreaker leaned forward on his berth and rested his forearms on his knees. "One of Wheeljack's?"

"Of, course," he smirked. "Should we use it on one of the officers, then?"

Sunstreaker shrugged.

"Or we could use it on the first mech we run into in the halls," Sides suggested with barely concealed amusement.

"Now, we're talking."

* * *

Hot Rod, Drift, and Tracks laughed out loud as they walked down the corridor. "No, way," Tracks muttered.

Drift nodded amid chuckles. "Seriously. Joey did it. I thought Prowl's head was going to blow up."

Hot Rod cackled. "And Red Alert—"

The three of them stopped in their tracks as Sideswipe and Sunstreaker stepped out of their quarters directly in front of them. The three took a step backward as Sideswipe raised a strange looking gun.

"Oh, frag," Hot Rod muttered.

"Every mech for themselves!" Drift roared and he and Tracks bolted. Hot Rod turned to run too, and stumbled and fell on his face as the weapon fired and caught him in the blast.

* * *

Hot Rod opened his eyes and froze. _Wait, eyes?_ He stared around wildly and realized he was dangling in the air. He realized he was in his holoform, but when he tried to switch over to his regular body, nothing happened.

He looked up at Sideswipe and the mech grinned at him. "Hey, there. How's it going?"

"What the frag did you do to me?" Hot Rod demanded furiously as he kicked in the air and tried to wriggle free.

"Aw, lookity he's all glitched at us," Sides cooed to his twin as he stood up and began walking.

Hot Rod swung from Sideswipe's fingertips. "You two are so fragged when I get back into my body!"

"So what should we do with him now?" Sunstreaker asked, ignoring him.

"I got an idea."

* * *

"Aghhhh!" Hot Rod screamed as he ran headlong down the corridor. Behind him, the five Dinobot's feet thundered. "Quit it!"

"Me Grimlock order you come back, Squishy thing!"

"Mine Slag's Squishy!"

"Go awaaaaaay!" Hot Rod howled as he tried to keep ahead of the obsessed sparklings.

Prowl heard a commotion in the corridor and poked his head out of his office and watched as Hot Rod's holoform ran by followed by the five Dinobots. He shook his head and went back into his office. It wasn't his problem.

* * *

Author's note: What do you guys think? Please review! Next up is: either Opposite Day or the Mirror Game for D. Mischief.


	14. Ch14: Mirror Games

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers… are we all agreed? Good.

Author's note: This one was requested by: . Enjoy!

* * *

Ch.14: Mirror Games

Ironhide gritted his dental plates as he walked. He growled and looked over one shoulder, but no, he was still there. He'd been following him his entire shift, only speaking when Ironhide spoke and then just repeating whatever he said.

"Hey, 'Hide," Cliffjumper said gruffly as he walked past.

"Hey," he answered.

"Hey," echoed Sideswipe.

Cliffjumper raised an optic ridge and Ironhide shrugged. Sideswipe shrugged as well.

"I'm gonna kick your aft if you don't stop following me!" He snarled at the red Lamborghini.

"I'm gonna kick your aft if you don't stop following me!" Sideswipe mimed in a nasally tone.

Ironhide growled and Sideswipe growled. They walked into the rec room and Ironhide slumped into a seat across from Bumblebee and Blurr. Sides sat down beside him, his features scrunched up in an imitation of Ironhide's scowl.

The Dinobots, sitting at the end of the same table, looked up curiously.

"What's going on, Ironhide?" Bumblebee asked.

"Nothing," he and Sideswipe growled in sync.

Blurr bounced in his seat. "Ooh! I know this game! Ooh! Ooh! Me and Sides used to play this game at the academy! I wanna play! Say something so I can repeat it! Come on, Ironhide!"

Ironhide glowered at the youngling and put his face in his hands. Sideswipe and Blurr both enthusiastically mimicked him.

"What them doing?" Grimlock demanded curiously.

Bumblebee smiled at the Dinobots. "It's a game. All you gotta do is do whatever someone else does and say whatever they say," he explained and Ironhide glared up at him irritably.

"Why would you tell them that?" He demanded and he shook his fist at the yellow minibot.

Sideswipe, Blurr, and the five Dinobots all echoed him and shook their fists, and Ironhide put his face back in his hands, the two younglings and five sparklings following suit.

* * *

Prime paused and moved out of the way as Ironhide stomped past with a scowl on his face followed by Sideswipe, Blurr and the Dinobots in their mech forms.

"Not a word, Prime," Ironhide growled warningly with a finger raised accusingly.

"Not a word, Prime."

"Not say word, Prime."

"Not say word, Prime."

"Not say word, Prime."

"Not say word, Prime."

"Not a word, Prime."

"Not say word, Prime."

Prime scratched his helm wonderingly and then turned and went on his way.

* * *

Author's note: Next up is: Trickster91's revenge for Prowl. Prowl comes up with a plan to get back at Joey for the "But you said you'd marry me" prank. Please, review!


	15. Ch15: Prowl's Revenge

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers… are we all agreed? Good.

Author's note: This one comes between chapters 13 and 14 of _How Far We've Come._ It's also a much belated Valentine's Day present! Enjoy!

This one was requested by: Trickter91

* * *

Ch.15: Prowl's Revenge

Ratchet slapped the wrench he was holding into the palm of his free hand again and again as he glared at the black and white mech sitting on a berth in the med bay. Prowl's wing panels twitched every time the wrench clanged against the medic's palm.

"If you are going to hit me, then hit me," he snarled and his wing panels rose stiffly in defiance.

The medic's optics narrowed further, but he put the wrench aside. "What did you do this time?" Ratchet demanded with a put upon little growl.

"The little human confronted me demanding I remove the cameras from her 'bathroom' and insisted Red Alert and myself 'owed her one,'" he paused and reached up to rub his aching helm, but the medic slapped his hand away. Prowl glared at Ratchet and grumbled. "I refused to give in to her demands and she… she…"

Ratchet covered his face with his palm. "The marriage thing?"

Prowl's shoulders hunched forward and he fiddled with his hands. "…Yes…"

"And how many times is this now?"

Prowl mumbled and Ratchet raised an optic ridge. "I… said four."

Ratchet shook his head disgustedly, but before he could go into rant-mode, the med bay door opened and Drift slipped in. The red and white youngling grinned at them and held his left arm awkwardly to his chest.

"What the frag do you want?" Ratchet demanded and he reached for his wrench.

"Me and Rod got into a little scuffle. He knocked my arm connector out of whack, but I got him back," the youngling replied with a pleased looking smirk. He flopped down on an empty berth and grinned at the two glaring officers. "What's up?"

"You're not dying, so get the frag out of my med bay," Ratchet snarled as he loomed over the youngling.

"Can't," he replied cheerfully. "Prime's orders."

Ratchet scowled suspiciously. "Fine. Just sit down and mute it." The medic turned back to Prowl. "And you. You will stop letting Joey get to you. I'm getting tired of fixing you!"

"She got you again? Was it the marriage thing?" Drift asked, perking up.

"I thought I told you to mute it!"

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Putting her in the brig does not seem to be helping and she is too fragile to properly punish," Prowl muttered, ignoring the amused youngling.

Drift snorted loudly. "Just give her a taste of her own medicine."

Both officers turned to stare at him in surprise. Ratchet frowned. "That's not that bad of an idea, actually."

"A taste of her own medicine?" Prowl repeated dubiously.

Drift nodded and he leaned forward. "I know exactly what you need to do," he said with a mischievous grin.

* * *

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Prowl muttered as Wheeljack, Ironhide, Perceptor and Trailbreaker hurried to help. They, along with Ratchet and Drift, were crowded into Jacks' lab and were happily following Drift's instructions.

"Of course. Sides thinks he's the prince of pranks, but I'm the king," Drift replied as he and Trailbreaker bent scraps of metal and welded them to short lengths of metal pipes.

Prowl raised an optic ridge as Wheeljack held up a long, thin hammered piece of red metal and attached it to the second-in-command's neck. Ratchet had been outfitted with a thin white ring of metal around his neck and he was working diligently. Perceptor took a large ring of metal that had been twisted and bent in intricate designs from Ratchet and used one of the labs' gadgets to shrink it down.

Ironhide lifted his head, his optics brightening. "Done. The whole base will show up in the rec room in a bit."

Prowl tensed. "The whole base?"

"If we embarrass her bad enough, she won't do it again," Drift explained.

"This won't end well," the black and white mech mumbled miserably.

* * *

Joey glanced up from her book as a shadow loomed over her, blocking her light. She glared up, but her expression softened as she realized it was Bluestreak.

"What's up, Blue."

The young sniper fidgeted unhappily. "Could you come with me to the rec room?"

She frowned. "Sure, is something wrong?"

"No," he snapped quickly and she raised an eyebrow, but hopped onto his proffered hand.

She sat down in his palm and looker up at his face. He looked troubled about something. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Not a thing. I'm great! Aren't you great? Everything's great," he babbled enthusiastically and she raised both her eyebrows.

"Okaaay," she drawled skeptically.

* * *

The sniper all but ran to the rec room, making Joey struggle to hang on and keep from toppling out of his hand. "What's the rush?" She demanded as he skidded to a halt outside the rec room doors.

"No rush," he mumbled and he sat her down hastily inside the doors and darted inside. She scowled and then looked up. Dread set in.

The entire rec room had been painted white. The tables had been covered in pink table cloths and someone had cut out huge metal hearts and painted them red and had hung them from the ceiling. A black metal podium had been set up at the far end of the room and an arc of metal flowers had been attached to the wall behind it. A single mech, painted black, stood before the podium with his back to her. The rec room was crowded with mechs, who were grinning, looking curious, or just confused.

Ratchet suddenly stepped out of the crowd and his armor had been painted black with a thick white ring around his neck and he was carrying a thick black book. A little voice in the back of Joey's mind mumbled, _He looks kind of like a preacher…_ Ratchet walked over to stand behind the podium and thumped the book down onto it.

Drift stepped up from the crowd, also painted black, but with a V of white around his neck. As she tore her eyes from him, she realized all the mechs had been painted that way, except for Tracks and Sunstreaker. It looked like they were wearing tuxedos. Drift's holoform appeared at her side dressed in a tuxedo and he seized he upper arm and began to drag her toward the podium.

"What's going on?" She demanded in alarm. "What is this?!"

The mech standing at the podium finally turned as they neared and glowered down at her. Prowl. Prowl painted up like he was wearing a tuxedo and a red bow tie. Joey's face blanched and she began earnestly trying to free herself.

Ratchet glared down his nose at her. "Joey. You have brought a most grievous error to the attention of the mechs on this base," he boomed and she cringed back.

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it!"

Ratchet growled. "You have been recorded, as our witnesses will attest, as saying that Officer Prowl proposed to you."

"It was a joke!" She yelped, terror sinking in and she thrashed against Drift, but his arm was like a vise.

"Not to us, it's not!" Ratchet snarled. "By Cybertronian law, Prowl must marry you."

"What?! You're kidding me! I am NOT marrying him!"

Drift seized her by the back of both arms and shoved her forward so that she was standing beside Prowl. Prowl knelt down on one knee and gestured imperiously. Bumblebee's holoform darted forward with a ring and Prowl's holoform materialized to take it from him.

Bumblebee and Drift's holoforms grabbed Joey as she struggled and held her left arm out to Prowl and he solemnly slipped the ring on her third finger.

"No, no no no nonononono!" She shrieked in honest fear and tears began streaming down her face.

Then Prowl leaned forward and kissed her.

Dead silence fell as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she hit the floor in a heap.

The rec room exploded in roaring laughter. Prowl shuddered and wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand.

"That better fragging work," he grumbled as Drift slapped him in the back amid cackles.

"Trust me. She'll give you a wide berth from now on!"

* * *

Author's note: What'd you guys think? And next up is the twins annoying Ratchet enough that he plots revenge when they have to come in to the med bay for a check up requested by autobotgirl12328 . Please review!


	16. Ch16: The Wrath of Ratchet

* * *

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers… are we all agreed? Good.

Author's note: precedes ch.15 of How Far We've Come. Inspired by a comment by: Autobotgirl12328.

* * *

Ch. 16: The Wrath of Ratchet

Ratchet opened a drawer in his desk, hunting a misplaced wrench and froze as a loud twanging sound filled the air followed by a pop. The medic stumbled back as he was blasted with brightly colored confetti. He stood with his arms spread, confetti in his joints. He spat out a mouthful and slammed the drawer shut. "Fraggin' Sideswipe!" He snarled, furiously.

He stalked out of his office and into the med bay. He yanked open a cabinet angrily and groaned as another twang and pop hit his audios. He was blasted with more confetti. He clenched and unclenched his red hands and growled. Three more drawers. Three more confetti blasts.

An hour later Ratchet stood in the middle of his med bay, his optics pale and with confetti in places confetti had no reason being. Not only could he not find his wrench, but someone, presumably the twins, had booby-trapped every drawer, cabinet, and toolbox in his med bay. Ratchet's temper, iffy to begin with, snapped. With an angry snarl, he upturned a berth and went on a rampage, throwing tools and cursing fluently. Wheeljack and Perceptor poked their heads into the med bay and ducked back out again as a toolbox was flung at them.

Perceptor glanced at Wheeljack. "The twins?"

"Want to go hit the rec room until its safe?" Wheeljack asked.

They cringed back as a loud crash thundered from the med bay. "I believe so."

* * *

Sideswipe snickered into his cube while Hot Rod and Bumblebee played Halo on the large screen in the room. Sunstreaker had his head slumped on his arms, deep in recharge. The four younglings looked up as Ratchet, covered in a coating of clingy confetti, stomped into the room.

"Hatchet's on the warpath," Hot Rod mumbled, glancing at Sideswipe.

The medic stomped over to stand behind the red twin, who ignored him. Up until Ratchet seized the back of his chair and yanked, sending the youngling slamming onto his back. The red Lamborghini stared up at the furious medic. Sunstreaker snorted awake and stared blearily at them.

"What are you doing on the floor, bro," he muttered.

"I have no idea," Sideswipe replied with a shrug. "Hey, Ratchet, why did you dump me on the floor?"

The medic glowered down at him and grabbed him by his collar ridge and snatched one of Sunstreaker's horns on his helm and tugged both younglings out of the room, Sunny and Sides complaining loudly.

"What was that about?" Bumblebee asked.

"Don't know. You just died though."

"Aww."

* * *

Prime sighed as the twins raced past, awkwardly. Awkward because Sunstreaker's upper right arm had been welded to Sideswipe's upper left arm and their corresponding ankles had been welded together.

Ratchet followed in close pursuit, armed with one of Wheeljack's modified paintball guns, a murderous look on his face.

"RUN!" Sides wailed.

"You're the one that's not running!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"GAH! That was my aft!"

"You fraggers are dead! Do you know all the places I have confetti?!"

Prime shook his head.

* * *

Author's note: next up:skrink ray chaos for Meirelle and in answer to her question: yes, there will be femmes in the next wave of crew.


	17. Ch17: ShrinkyDink

Author's Note: Well, Author's Rant actually. WARNING :Spoiler for AHM 8. I just finished AHM #8 and the traitor was revealed to be… Sunny?! *Turns to look at Sunstreaker and taps foot*

Sunny: What? *backing away slowly* That's a different Sunstreaker! This is AU! Sides help, she's lost it!

WSP: *chasing Sunny around with a shoe* Come back here you useless son of short-circuited blender!

Sides: Okaaay. Since the authoress is trying to beat my twin to death with a shoe, I guess it's up to me. Wide Spread Panic doesn't own us. She only makes us do weird stuff for your amusement. This chapter takes place before ch.15. *grins* The squishy authoress has the chapters all out of order. XD So, on with the story!

Bluestreak: *raises hand* Do I get to say something, too?

Sides: *shrugs* Why not.

Blue: Oh, yay! Hi, there! This is Bluestreak!

Sides: Uh, they know that.

Blue: Huh, really? Okay then. This chapter is dedicated to Meirelle for inspiring WSP (Wide Spread Panic) to write it! And autobotgirl12328 for pointing out that Optimus really doesn't get to have too much "fun."

* * *

Ch.17: Shrinky-Dink

Optimus crossed his arms and watched Wheeljack squeeze between him and Red Alert. He, along with the lab's regular denizens, namely Wheeljack and Perceptor, Red Alert, Ratchet, and Prowl were all crowded together because someone had taken it upon themselves to coat his office, the officer's offices and the Control Room in some of Wheeljack's experimental adhesive. They knew this because Hoist and Grapple were currently trying to pry Cliffjumper and Ironhide off the floor they were currently attached to. The reason they were all gathered, though was Perceptor.

The scientist was typing away madly at a panel, while they waited patiently.

Or not. "Why the frag did you call us all in here if you weren't ready?" Ratchet snarled as he watched Wheeljack piddling with something that was glowing.

Optimus sighed. "I'm sure he had a good reason," he said and the medic glowered at him.

"Well, I have been working on the conundrum posed by the Ore-13 along with Wheeljack—"

"It's absolutely fascinating," Wheeljack interjected.

"Without an actual sample of the material, we are rather limited to theory," Perceptor said, then added, "and of course, Skids was our chief Theoretician. So as I said, theory, but we believe it might be even more potent than previously assumed—"

"And twice as unstable," Wheeljack added as he gave the thing he was messing with a sharp prod, which resulted in sparks.

"Meaning?" Optimus prompted, tearing the other mechs' attention away from whatever it was Wheeljack was doing.

"Because it is so unpredictable, we believe, it may actually slowly overload their circuits," Perceptor replied looking pleased.

"They might just end up blowing themselves to the Well of Allsparks without any help from us," Wheeljack said. Just then whatever it was he had been messing with emitted a loud whining sound. They all stared uncertainly. "Aw, slag… HIT THE DECK!"

"WHEELJACK, YOU GLITCH!" Ratchet roared as the object blew up spectacularly, causing a chain reaction in the small lab. Perceptor's shrink ray sparked and merrily joined in the explosion. The blast slammed all the mechs against the walls hard enough to leave dents and knocked them all off-line.

* * *

"Can't we discuss this?!"

"You just wait till I get my hands on you!!"

Optimus on-lined one optic warily and turned his head. Wheeljack's feet thundered past, followed by Ratchet's. Optimus sat up unsteadily. For some reason, everything looked off. Red Alert was sitting with his helm in his hands muttering darkly, while Prowl attempted to calm him down. Perceptor was staring up. Optimus followed the scientist's gaze and groaned silently to himself. The lab table they'd been sitting at loomed impossibly big over them. He felt one optic twitch ever so slightly before he regained his composure. Somehow, Wheeljack had shrunk them all.

Optimus Prime covered his face with one hand, as Ratchet tackled Wheeljack with an angry snarl.

"Ratchet, don't kill him. We need him to figure out how to reverse it," Optimus muttered behind his hands.

Ratchet, in the process of trying to remove Wheeljack's head with his hands, shot him a dirty look. "We've got Perceptor."

"Ratchet," Optimus said warningly, and the medic finally released the engineer from the headlock.

"How was I supposed to know it would blow up?" Wheeljack muttered sourly. "Besides," he added with undue cheer, "someone will find us in no time."

True to Wheeljack's misguided optimism, the lab door slid open. Unfortunately, the Dinobots were the ones on the other side. They stared at the Dinobots uneasily and the Dinobots stared back curiously. Behind them, Red Alert made a strangled little giggling sound as his helm began to fizzle.

* * *

Hot Rod and Bumblebee looked up from their conversation as six miniature mechs raced past in the corridor, a miniature Red Alert cackling insanely. Both mechs exchanged a look, but before either could comment, the Dinobots ran past, knocking both younglings flying.

"Mine Slag's toys!"

"No is mine Grimlock's toys!"

"Did we just see a tiny Optimus and the other officers run by being chased by the Dinobots?" Bumblebee asked incredulously.

Hot Rod slowly shook his head. "I didn't see a thing," he said as he continued on his way.

Bumblebee shrugged and followed.

* * *

Sides: What did you guys think? And please review, it might distract WSP from beating up Sunny. XD

Cosmos: And next chapter…. Kitteh… ears? What the frag?

Sides: Where'd you come from?

Cosmos: T.T I've been here all along…. You all just keep forgetting about me….


	18. Ch18: Cute Lil Officers

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic (WSP) doesn't own the Transformers.

Author's note: Chaos Knight. *points* Doing this to Prime and the officers was her idea. The kitteh ears was Animaluvr3's idea.

* * *

Ch.18: Cute Lil Officers

Optimus hid despondently under a table in the rec room along with the other miniaturized mechs from the overly playful Dinobots. Ratchet crossed his arms as Sludge poked his snout under the table, sniffing loudly. Optimus stretched one arm out to keep Ratchet from hitting Wheeljack. He had been forced to sit between the medic and engineer to keep them from fighting. A little ways away, Perceptor was trying to calm a hysterical Red Alert as Prowl kept a hand clamped over the Security Officer's mouth to stifle the giggling.

Optimus watched the Dinobot wander off again in search of them. He heard footsteps and was relieved to see a black and red foot walk up to their table and take a seat. After a minute, more mechs walked up and sat down around the table. Ratchet stood up, but Prowl shot him a look.

"It is the younglings," he hissed warningly.

Ratchet growled under his breath. "I know that," he snapped back.

"We do not need their help!"

All the mechs turned to look at Optimus and he sighed. "Get the younglings before the Dinobots come back."

Ratchet stomped over to the nearest large yellow foot, reared back and kicked it.

"Yow!"

Sunstreaker leaned to peer under the table with a scowl and his mouth fell open. Without a word, he reached over and yanked Sideswipe over to look. Suddenly, Optimus found all the younglings, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Bumblebee, Drift, Bluestreak, Hot Rod, Blurr, Tracks, all were peering under the table at them.

"Heeeey," Tracks drawled. "Mini geezers."

Ratchet scowled. "Watch it, you little slagger. When I'm full-sized again, your aft is mine."

Sideswipe grinned and reached down to seize Ratchet and Optimus and Hot Rod and Drift cackled and scooped up the remaining officers. They were all dumped unceremoniously on the table. Optimus stood, frowning behind his mask at them and making a mental note to put all the younglings on cleaning duty for the next human month or so. He looked around and spotted the human female sitting near Bluestreak, watching them with an open grin. They were, he realized, the same size as she was. Not a very comforting thought, especially given how the younglings tended to treat the little female.

"What happened to you guys?" She asked amid laughter.

"Wheeljack," Prowl and Ratchet growled together.

She blinked at them and then lurched to her feet and raced over to Bumblebee, practically throwing herself on him. "Take me to town!"

"What, now?"

"Town, now!" She slapped his arm.

Bumblebee shrugged and picked the little human up as the other younglings grinned.

"Sooo," Sideswipe drawled. "How long do you reckon this will last?"

Wheeljack made a helpless gesture. "It should wear off eventually."

Drift grinned. "Eventually is good."

Optimus had a sudden sinking suspicion he wasn't going to like the reasoning behind the younglings' grins.

* * *

_Two Hours Later…_

* * *

Optimus had been right. The thought was of little comfort though as he dangled by one leg from Sideswipe's fingers. Sideswipe was amusing himself by tossing him up and then catching him. The Autobot commander didn't find it nearly as amusing as the younglings were. Red Alert had been left alone for the most part, mainly because he'd begun wailing.

Optimus glowered at the red twin. No amount of warning or death threats could dissuade the younglings from tormenting them. They didn't seem to grasp the fact that as soon as the effects of the shrink-ray died away, they were going to be in for a world of hurt.

Bumblebee came racing back into the rec room with the little human sitting in one hand and the other hand full of large plastic baggies, which the minibot dumped on the table. Joey was put down much more carefully. She sauntered over to the bags and tipped their contents onto the table. Optimus frowned upside down at the strange, colorful, fuzzy materials.

"Dress-up!" Joey explained, holding up a brown thing and with horror, Optimus realized it was some sort of horrible costume.

* * *

"Awww. Lookit the lil officers!" Sideswipe cackled.

The miniature mechs were all miserable except for Wheeljack. He was taking the torment with mild amusement, which was due to how much Joey was fussing over him. She was cooing over how _cute_ they were.

I've fought Decepticons. I've had the energon of mechs on my hands, Optimus thought. I never would have dreamed I'd wind up shrunk down to the size of an organic wearing an orange fuzzy cat suit with googly eyes. He looked at his officers. Red Alert was wearing a green fuzzy frog costume, Prowl was a cow, Wheeljack was a dog, Perceptor was a deer, and Ratchet was a bear. And with the exception of Wheeljack, they all wore looks of varying degrees of mortification and rage.

Optimus clenched his fists. **We need a way to get them for this**, he called to his officers over a private communication. Ratchet nodded imperceptibly. They would be punished for this atrocity, the Autobot leader swore.

Joey squealed behind him and burst out laughing. "Lookit the kitteh ears!"

* * *

Author's note: Prime needs your help! How can he and the officers get the younglings back for the fuzzy costumes of doom? Leave a review and a suggestion for revenge! I'll post a poll on my profile and you guys can vote on which method of revenge sounds the most fun. XD Thanks for reading!


	19. Ch19: Starscream is A Sexy Femme?

Disclaimer: I don't own the Transformers

Author's note: The Deadliest Foe: Boredom Decepticon Edition. This one is set before Drift turns traitor. And, no, I didn't beat Sunny to death with a shoe… yet.

* * *

Ch.19: Starscream is a… Sexy Femme?

The snickering was a dead giveaway that something was up, Megatron reflected from his seat on his throne. Whatever was causing the little disturbance seemed to be heading his way if the increase in volume was any indication. He sighed and rolled his optics, but otherwise didn't give any sign that he had heard a thing. He didn't have to wait long, the source of his soldiers' mirth shoved through their ranks and stormed up to his dais. He raised an optic ridge.

It was Starscream, or at least, he thought it was. The seeker had been repainted pink and white and red and was clenching and unclenching his hands with a murderous scowl. "Do you see what they did to me?!" He screamed and whoever had painted him had also modified his vocalizer. He was even shriller than ever and definitely sounded more like a femme.

"Hey there, beautiful," Ramjet leered with a cackle.

Starscream wheeled around, his arm rising in a blur of movement to blast the cone-headed seeker point blank in the face. "I am a MECH!" He shrieked indignantly as the other soldiers edged away, laughing in earnest at that point. "A MECH, FRAGGIT!"

"Come here often?" Rumble jeered, before diving behind the relative safety of Soundwave.

Starscream screamed again in wordless rage. "I will not tolerate this outrage!"

Megatron had been trying to keep his expression flat and intimidating, but he couldn't help the tiny quirk of his lips, as he said, "I had always wondered about how high your voice was."

Starscream's eyes flared angrily, but before he could comment one of the bases few actual femmes walked in with an armful of data pads. Unfortunately for Starscream, it was none other than the medic Panic. Megatron had always suspected the blue and black femme's processor was in dire need of some rewiring.

She stopped mid-stride and stared blatantly at the Second-In-Command. Megatron groaned, he could see in her optics what was coming. Sure enough, she squealed and dropped her data pads, spreading her arms wide. "It's my long lost sister!"

Megatron surreptitiously covered his audio inputs as Starscream screamed and lunged at the femme. Panic tore through the ranks, ducking and weaving and cackling wildly the whole time. Megatron cast his eyes on the Cassetticon twins and he watched them give each other a high-five. He slowly shook his head. Why was it, he wondered, that all of his followers were idiots?

* * *

Author's note: Very short and VERY stupid. ^^ Panic is my OC, if you've seen my gallery on DeviantArt, you know who I'm talking about.


	20. Ch20: The Officers Strike Back

Disclaimer: I don't own the Transformers

Author's note: It's aliiiiive! Sorry it took so long for me to update. *Hooks up a Transformers IV to Chaos Knight.* The poll is closed and the votes are in! Meirelle and Elita One's ideas tied, so here we go.

* * *

Ch.20: The Officers Strike Back

"The cyber-zombieeeees are after myyyyy processor!"

Optimus glanced up with a little sigh as Red Alert ran past his office shrieking. Almost immediately, Prowl and Ratchet ran past in pursuit. None of the officers were in the best of moods, as soon as the accursed shrink-ray had worn off, the younglings and human had all bolted for safety.

"Get your aft back to the medbay!" Ratchet yelled and Optimus heard a loud thud as the medic tackled the short-circuiting Security Officer. Prowl walked back by Prime's office and peered inside at him.

"No sign of the younglings," he grumbled. "They cannot stay hidden forever. I have enlisted the help of Ironhide, Cliffjumper, Trailbreaker and Hound in finding them."

Optimus nodded. "Yes, I fear we might have to take drastic measures to convince the younglings to stop doing things like that." The Autobot Commander folded his hands together. Unbidden, the memory of himself being forced to wear a cat costume resurfaced and one optic twitched. "Yes," he said calmly, "I fear we might have to take _drastic_ measures."

"Prowl! Get your aft over here and help me!"

"I am coming…" Prowl's upper lip curled and the Second in Command stomped off to help Ratchet. The medic had Red Alert in a head-lock, but Red was trying to gnaw the medic's hand off.

"We'resoslagged,soslagged!They'regoingtoofflineusall—"

Hot Rod whacked Blurr in the back of his helm to halt the continuous babble of terror. The blue youngling squawked and darted around Bumblebee and Tracks, out of smacking distance. Hot Rod growled. "We won't get slagged if they don't catch us," he snapped.

Joey, perched on Drift's shoulder, sighed. "They'll catch us sooner or later. We can't hide out here forever," she muttered. She drummed her heels on Drift's shoulder and fanned herself with her hands. They had fled the base for the relative safety of the desert. They were currently sitting in the shade of a cliff face in the stifling heat.

"Speak for yourself, Squishy," Sunstreaker sneered. The yellow mech crossed his arms behind his head and sprawled on his back, his legs stretched out into the sun. The light made his armor shine blindingly. Sideswipe sprawled on his stomach beside his twin.

"You're changing colors," Bluestreak said, suddenly. "Are you supposed to be doing that? Why do humans change colors? Can you turn other colors or just red?"

Joey huffed and squirmed. "It's called sunburn, Blue," she muttered patiently.

Tracks' eyes flickered for a moment as he accessed the internet. "Oh, that's slagging disgusting! They shed their skin!"

Joey casually flipped him off. "Yes, our skin peels when we get sunburn. We don't like sunburn. Sunburn bad."

Drift and Sideswipe both snickered and Tracks shot her a dirty look.

His mouth opened to retaliate, but a shadow fell across the lounging younglings. Slowly, their heads turned to look at Trailbreaker as the large mech crossed his arms and called over his shoulder, "Found them!"

"Run away!" Sideswipe yelped, scrambling on all fours. Ironhide and Cliffjumper sped around the cliff, cutting the younglings off. Hound and Prowl sauntered over, the Second in Command scowling.

Prowl bared his teeth in a snarl. "Hello,_ children_."

* * *

"I protest! I plead the fifth! I'm innocent!" Sideswipe thrashed and drummed his heels on the metal floor. His hands were bound behind his back in stasis cuffs. The other seven younglings were also bound in stasis cuffs and less than happy.

Sunstreaker glowered at his twin. "Give it up, Sides."

Sideswipe's bottom lip trembled and he pouted.

"You've got it better than I do," muttered a cross voice from the vicinity of Drift's knee. Joey had been too small to put in cuffs, so Ratchet had attached her with mech-sized duct tape to one of Drift's legs. She wriggled ineffectively against her bonds and hissed angrily.

"Here are the culprits," Prowl grumbled and the younglings lifted their heads to warily watch Optimus, Prowl, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Perceptor, Hound, Trailbreaker, Ironhide, and Cliffjumper file into the storage room the younglings and human were being held in. Wheeljack and Perceptor both held large boxes in their hands, which they sat on the floor with a somber air.

Optimus crossed his arms and turned toward Wheeljack. "Is the punishment ready?"

Wheeljack chuckled darkly and rubbed his hands together. "Well, since the twins kept getting into scuffles and Ratch kept having to repaint them, I've been working on a tougher pigment polymer that won't scuff, chip or easily come off at all," Wheeljack explained as he crouched and pulled a canister from one box and shook it. "Well, you put us in costumes, so we've decided to return the favor." Wheeljack tossed the canister to Prowl and fished another from the box.

Sunny and Tracks snarled and thrashed against their stasis cuffs. "Don't touch my paint! Don't you DARE touch MY PAINT!" Sunstreaker shrieked furiously.

Optimus picked up a canister and popped the top off. "Be creative," he said to the others as they all picked up canisters. "Have fun with it."

Perceptor held up a much smaller canister and smiled weakly. "Formulated to be sensitive for human skin," he said to Joey whose eyes widened in panic.

"Let's not get carried away, guys!" She wailed. "Can't you guys take a joke?!"

* * *

"You look like—"

"Shut up, Sides," Sunstreaker muttered crossly.

"But—"

"I said SHUT UP."

Sideswipe pursed his lips then snickered. Sunstreaker shot him a dirty look. "Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-na BATMAN!" Sideswipe burst out, as he rocked back and forth cackling.

Sunstreaker twisted with a snarl and began kicking his twin angrily. "Shut up, shut up, shut UP!"

The younglings were still wearing the stasis cuffs, the older mechs had promised to let them loose eventually. None of them were particularly happy with their new paint jobs. Sunstreaker had been painted black, with only the bottom half of his face painted in a human skin tone. Around his waist, a ring of yellow paint had been left to look like a belt. Sideswipe's chest had been painted blue with the Superman logo painted in the center. Drift had been painted orange with black stripes to resemble a tiger. Bumblebee was banging his helm against a nearby wall in horror at the fact that he'd been painted to resemble Spongebob. Bluestreak had been painted up in bright colors, with his door panels painted like wings so he resembled a giant neon butterfly. Hot Rod now looked like Magneto and Blurr had been painted to look like Wolverine from the X-men. Tracks had been painted to look like a brick wall and had been graffitied. Joey had been freed of the tape and had been stripped to her underclothes and painted up like a panda.

"I thought human entertainment was contraband!" Bumblebee yelled at the closed door in fury.

Joey held her arms out akimbo. "This stuff is never going to come out of my hair…"

* * *

"Nice paint job," Cliffjumper called as the younglings stomped past him down the corridor. They had finally been freed, but Ratchet had made it apparent that they weren't going to get the solvent any time soon.

"We have to get that solvent," Sunstreaker hissed.

Hot Rod snorted loudly. "Jacks has it locked up."

Sideswipe smirked. "Since when has that stopped us?"

They slipped along the corridor to the lab. They hid themselves in an empty storage room Wheeljack kept spare parts. They didn't have to hide out long, before Wheeljack and Perceptor ran out of the lab chasing the Dinobots. Grimlock had decided that one of Wheeljack's newest experiments was his new chew toy and was determined to not have it taken away.

"Is mine Grimlock's!" He roared around the object in his mouth as he thundered down the hall.

"Grimlock! You better bring that back this nano-sec, young-mech! That's highly volatile!" Wheeljack yelped as he chased after the overgrown sparkling.

The younglings slipped into the lab and fanned out, Drift setting Joey down on a counter. "Do we even know what it looks like?" She asked as she walked over and stood on tiptoe to peer into a box.

"It looks like solvent," Sideswipe replied, and he began digging haphazardly through Wheeljack's clutter.

"Ya think so?" She muttered caustically.

Tracks snatched up a box and Bluestreak noticed a wire, attached to a mechanism with a large antennae dish on the front setting on the counter, was hung on the box. "Erm, Tracks?" Blue mumbled. "I don't think you should—"

"I know what I'm doing," Tracks snapped and he yanked the box free. The wire snapped with a crackle and it sparked wildly. The younglings all froze and stared at the thing as it whined loudly.

"Thatdoesn'tsound—" Blurr began, but he was cut off as the whine pitched and the thing blew up spectacularly.

* * *

Optimus turned at the sound of an explosion in time to see the lab's door blow out. With a sigh, he walked down the hall to see what Wheeljack had blown up this time. He peered inside amid the smoke and as it cleared, the Autobot commander's optics widened. He grabbed at the wall for support.

"Oh, Primus…"

Sitting on the lab's floor were eight tiny sparklings and an even tinier human child of about five years old. They all still had their new paintjobs and they stared around in open bewilderment. Then, they all looked at him.

Optimus staggered back, knowing what was coming.

In unison, they all tipped their heads back and in sync wailed. "WAAAAaaaaaaaaAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

Ratchet came running and pushed past Optimus. "What is that Pit awful sound— oh, dear Primus…" The medic gaped in at the squalling sparklings and human child. "WHEELJACK!"

Optimus and Ratchet gathered up the struggling, bawling little ones and took off in a panic to find the engineer. They tore through the base, getting horrified or amused looks from mechs they passed. When they finally found Wheeljack, Optimus was horrified and nearly deafened.

Optimus stared at Wheeljack, who was dangling with his arm up to the elbow in Grimlock's mouth and he had Perceptor hanging to his legs trying to pull him free. "Uh, hi Optimus," the engineer drawled, his vocal indicators blinking sheepishly.

* * *

Author's note: I don't own Spongebob, the Marvel or DC characters either. What did you guys think? Please review! X3


	21. Ch21: Sparkling Sitting

Disclaimer: I don't own the Transformers.

Author's note: Special Thanks to Trickster91 for giving me the idea of making Prowl "babysit" and DrMario1992 from DeviantArt for RPing and giving me new ideas. And Chaos Knight, have fun blowing things to kingdom come, girly.

* * *

Ch.21: Sparkling Sitting

"I am just wondering," Prowl drawled with a serious expression. "What did I do to you?" He looked over at Optimus and the Autobot Commander shuffled his feet awkwardly.

"Prowl, we need you to do this. It has to be someone responsible," Optimus said.

"I understand that," Prowl growled. "I meant what is_ he_ doing here?" The Second in Command pointed irritably at the mech beside him.

"Ratchet said we needed more than one mech for this mission," Optimus muttered sheepishly.

Prowl hissed and glared at the mech beside him. Beachcomber grinned merrily at Prowl.

"Hey, dudes," Beachcomber suddenly said. "I was, like, wondering why they're all, uh, little." He gestured vaguely at the sparklings and the little human child.

Joey had been placed on an empty berth in a box and she stared up at the adult mechs with her big eyes and sucking her thumb. She slowly removed her thumb and pointed. "Pehvuh," she said with all the intensity a small child was capable of.

"What?" Prowl growled with a scowl.

"Pehvuh!" Joey squealed and she flailed her chubby little arms. "Issa pehvuh!"

"I believe she is attempting to enunciate the word… pervert," Perceptor chimed in from his corner of the med bay and Wheeljack snickered.

Prowl glowered at the scientist and the engineer as they worked to reverse the effect of the machine that had changed the younglings into sparklings. "Wheeljack. MUTE IT."

"Dude, that's so fraggin' cute. I mean, I mean… uh, that's real cute. Hey, what's a pervert?" Beachcomber asked.

"MINE!" Sunstreaker screamed as he and Sideswipe fought over a box of spare parts Wheeljack had given the sparklings in an effort to quiet them. The younglings had been placed in a large pen to keep them out of trouble and to keep Blurr in one place. The little blue speedster was darting randomly around the pen, ricocheting against the walls. Bumblebee and Bluestreak were both curled up sleeping in a corner. Tracks and Hot Rod were scuffling and growling at each other.

"MINE, MINE, MINE!" Sideswipe shrieked as he kicked at his twin.

Prowl's optic twitched and he glared at Optimus. The Autobot Commander flinched. "I, uh, have to go do important stuff. Yeah, I have all kinds of things I need to do," Optimus muttered and he all but ran from the room.

Prowl heard another snicker and he wheeled around to glare at Wheeljack. The engineer hastily resumed his work. The black and white mech turned back toward the younglings. The little human flailed her arms at him.

"Pehvuh!"

"Real cute," Beachcomber said jovially.

"Are you sure that is a wise idea?" Perceptor demanded and Prowl snapped his head around to stare at the engineer as he yanked wires.

"I know exactly what I'm doing. Who's the engineer here? You or—"

There was a thunderous explosion and Perceptor and Prowl both dived to shield the little ones. Prowl's optics strained to find the engineer amid the smoke and debris and he groaned as he spotted Wheeljack. A tiny grey sparkling with ridiculously large blinking panels on his head sat up and whimpered.

Prowl tipped his head back. "Primus, why do you hate me so?"

* * *

Author's note: Sorry for the short little chapter, guys, but finals start for me next week. Once they're over, I'll start posting longer chapters again.


	22. Ch22: Life With Panic

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic doesn't own the Transformers. ;p

* * *

The Deadliest Foe: D-con Edition.

Ch.22: Life with Panic

Soundwave looked up as Ravage tore into his quarters, clearly upset about something. A second later, Panic ran into his room. She spotted Soundwave and instantly straightened. "Hi," she said sheepishly.

"Query. Why are you pursuing Ravage?"

Panic pulled something pink from behind her back. "Well, humans like to dress their pets in ridiculous costumes and it looked kind of fun…"

Soundwave realized the object was a frilly garment of some sort. "Order. Desist or else."

Panic pouted. "You're no fun," she muttered as she wandered off.

Soundwave turned and began attempting to coax Ravage out from under his recharge berth.

* * *

Hook carefully used a pair of mech-sized tongs to remove a glowing vial of Ore 13 from a reinforced container. The other Constructicons tensed and watched as he carried the highly unstable material over to the prototype weapon they were building.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, Panic materialized at his elbow. "Oooh! What's that?"

Startled by the femme, Hook's hand jerked and the vial fell. The Constructicons all hit the deck and Panic peered over her shoulder at them in confusion. As the vial hit, it exploded. When the smoke cleared, Hook peered over an up-turned table and growled. Panic was still standing in the middle of the lab, her armor singed black. With a creak, one of her arms fell off.

She looked down at it in surprise. "Well, Frag."

* * *

Starscream and Skywarp looked up as the door to the Constructicons' lab opened and a black figure was tossed out bodily. It crashed into the opposite wall and fell over onto its back. The two seekers ventured closer and realized it was the medic.

Starscream twitched. "Let's get out of here before the little psycho comes to."

Panic moaned and Skywarp's optics rounded and he teleported to safety, leaving Starscream to fend for himself.

Panic peered at him. "Heeeey… what's your face. Screamy right?"

He growled. "My name is Starscream," he snapped. "Not Screamy, Screamer, or Screaming One!"

"Okay, whatever you say, Old Glory."

"What?" He demanded in confusion.

"Old Glory. It's this one group of squishies' flag. It's all red, white and blue just like you. They should hang you from a pole and salute you. I'd salute you if you were hanging from a pole."

Starscream loomed over her with a snarl.

"What? I would. You'd make a great flag… though you are kind of whiney…"

* * *

Megatron stalked through the base, scowling and rounded a corner. He stopped and stared disgustedly at the form hanging from its feet from the metal ceiling. As he approached, the dim optics flared purple and the femme's head turned to watch him. With a sigh, he reached up and removed the makeshift gag from her mouth.

Panic grinned. "Hi, Boss-con. What's up, aside from me?"

Megatron resisted the urge to smack her. "Why are your feet welded to the ceiling this time?" He demanded tiredly. She tipped her head to one side as she regarded him.

"Not a clue," she finally said. Her optics abruptly brightened. "You know what? While I've been hanging around, I've been streaming human video from their primitive information system and I found this thing called a movie. It was called, uh, what was it…. Oh, Dracula. See, there's these things that are all human, but they're not, cause they drink blood- that's the stuff that comes outta squishies when you step on them, but anyway…. I could filed my dental plating so it's all pointy and I'd be like an energon vampire. How cool would that be?" She stopped babbling and bared her dental plates at him and hissed.

Megatron wordlessly seized the back of her helm and shoved the gag back in her mouth. He shook his head and stalked away, wondering just how much it would cost to bribe her to defect to the Autobots and let them deal with her. She had been an Autobot once, trained by the infamous medic, Ratchet. The femme was an absolutely brilliant medic, but due to an accident involving the engineer, Wheeljack, her processor had been permanently damaged beyond repair. As long as she had someone to fix, she was for all purposes sane, but when there was nothing for her to do, she became more and more unhinged and tended to annoy the pit out of the other Decepticons. Why she had abandoned the bots and joined the Decepticons was a mystery to Megatron. One day, the little femme had just turned up and pledged her loyalty to him. And he'd been stuck with her ever since. Sometimes he thought she had been sent by the Autobots just to make him miserable. She was too valuable as a medic to destroy, though most of the time he was sorely tempted to offline her and be done with it.

* * *

Author's note: I just wanted to do this one for fun. 3 Panic is obnoxious. The next one will be back with the sparkling-bots.


	23. Ch23: Mine

Disclaimer: Wide Spread Panic does not own the Transformers, but you guys all know that. I just borrow the characters for my own strange brand of amusement.

Author's Note: A thousand apologies for the lapse in updates, people. I've had a bit of Writer's Block. This series is a series of short shots that fall between the stories Are We There Yet and How Far We've Come. Mostly random and rarely serious, these are just for humor and to amuse me. If they amuse you as well, please review.

* * *

Ch23: Mine

"Mine."

Prowl kept his optics trained on the data-pad in front of him. After the explosion, they'd relocated the sparklings to his office while Perceptor tried to undo Wheeljack's mistake. The engineer in question was curled up sleeping on Bluestreak's head. Most of the sparklings were wearing down and falling into recharge. Even Blur had stopped his manic zipping about and fallen over to rest. One however simply refused to.

"MINE!"

Prowl peered over the edge of his desk at Drift. The little sparkling's face was set in a pout and he had both arms stretched up towards him. Prowl knew he didn't want to be picked up though. He was after what was sitting on his desk. Joey chose that moment to stand up and walk towards him; deliberately, as far as he was concerned, walking across his data-pad and leaving little footprints all over the screen. Prowl huffed irritably as the little female wobbled to the desk's edge and peered down at Drift. She stuck her tongue out at him.

Drift's face screwed up. "MIIIIIIINE!" He flailed his little arms in fury, as his voice rose in a shriek of outrage. Wheeljack whimpered and joined him, wailing. Pretty soon all the sparklings were online and wailing in confusion.

Prowl glowered at the human toddler as she turned back around. "I do not care what Ratchet says._ I_ know that _you_ know what you are doing," he growled at her and she stared back with big innocent eyes.

She crawled up onto his data-pad and sat down in the center of it. "Pehvuh," she said her expression an open declaration of war.

"MINE! MINE! MINE!" Drift screamed.

Sideswipe looked confusedly at Drift and for no apparent reason, decided to mimic him. He flailed his own little arms at the human. "MIIIIIIINE!"

Beachcomber, sprawled on the floor in a corner, finally came online. "Dude, what's with all the racket?"

Prowl growled at him as Joey leaned over and began drawing hearts and flowers all over the screen of his data-pad, obliterating a day's work with a happy little smile. Prowl turned back to her and put his face in his palm as she beamed, pleased with her work. "You are not even human are you? I think you are some insidious spying tool of the Decepticons sent just to torment me. Or maybe you are a minion of Unicron," he muttered, his optics narrowing.

She grinned at him. "Pehvuh, Powl."

Prowl's fingers twitched as he fought the urge to strangle her. There seems to be one universal truth about Wheeljack's inventions. While they usually_ do_ work, they don't always do what Wheeljack originally invented them _to_ do. And their effects last varying amounts of time. This one chose that moment to wear off. With a bright flash, the younglings and human reverted to their natural ages and sizes. Prowl found himself face to face with a slightly bewildered Joey, as they both came to an abrupt realization.

Her clothes hadn't survived all the molecular rearranging.

Her face bypassed red and turned a dark magenta color, as Prowl made a strangled sound of surprise and fell over backwards in his chair flailing. Joey screamed and tried to cover herself up with her hands, her face so red it looked like her head would pop.

Drift scooped the panicking, naked human up, pausing to glare at the fallen Prowl. "Mine," he said definitively as he turned and left the room.

Wheeljack was the only one who didn't change back. He had been affected at a different time than the others and it would still be awhile before he reverted to his natural age and size. The little sparkling engineer covered his big blue optics as his vocal indicators flashed pink.

"Nakey!" He told Bluestreak who nodded sympathetically and picked him up.


	24. Ch24: Hug

Author's note: Transformers doesn't belong to the Panic, of course. Sorry I haven't updated in so long u.u

* * *

Chapter 24

Hug

It had been meant to be a harmless prank, Sideswipe thought as Joey keened from her position half-way curled in on herself. He had raced both humans to the medbay when the accident had occurred and know he stood nervously aside as Ratchet loomed over them all, seemingly immune to the girl's wails.

"Look, Ratch-"

Sideswipe cut off abruptly as the medic shot him a filthy look. "Joey," he ground out, towering over the human as Maya stood to the side looking as uneasy as Sideswipe felt. "Let me see."

"It's broken! I don't wanna look!" She babbled, cowering away as Ratchet reached for her. "DON'T TOUCH IT!"

Sideswipe flinched and looked away. Primus, he'd never felt so guilty in his entire life. How was he supposed to know human bones snapped that easily?

Ratchet rumbled softly to himself and a bar of blue light flickered over both humans as he scanned them. Maya instantly bristled at the intrusion.

"HEY! Don't you be probing me," she hissed up at him as the medic grumbled and ignored her.

"Tell it to me straight, doc… I'll never walk again will I?"

Ratchet huffed darkly through his vents, optics narrowing. "One you're intoxicated with something clearly not human in makeup and two you have minor abrasions to the outer layer of your derma. I think you'll live."

Joey sniffled. "Huh?"

Grinding her teeth, Maya explained. "He said you're drunk and you scraped your knee, you moron."

Joey appeared to consider that, before stretching her leg out to examine. "… It's a miracle!"

"Idiot."

Ratchet turned his glower towards Sideswipe and the youngling recoiled as if struck. "What? I didn't give her whatever she's had," he muttered, backing away with hands outstretched in supplication.

All three of them looked down as the young girl flopped onto her back on the berth. "Can I have a huuuuuug? My leg hurts."

Maya and Sideswipe both moved ever so slightly away from her as she held out her arms. Sideswipe rumbled quietly. "So what do we do with her?"

Ratchet sighed as the girl wiggled her fingers at him, her grin becoming stupider. "You're not getting a hug," he growled.

"Whaaaaat?" Her eyes widened as her bottom lip jutted out. "I need it though. Please? How about now? Hug now?"

Ratchet huffed softly. "I have an idea.

* * *

No one respected the delicacy or the difficulty in what he did, not even Prime, Prowl decided as he sat heavily in the chair behind his desk. It seemed that everyone took him for granted some days. Rumbling deep in his chest, he braced his arms on his desk, rubbing at his chevron tiredly. Sorting out the chaos of the Ark was a full time job and though he loved it, it was a headache as the humans would say.

He jerked as he felt something soft curl around his arm and as he lowered his hands, he revved softly as Joey wrapped her arms around his fingers and smiled up at him in drunken friendliness.

"Here to torment me, pit-spawn?" he demanded dryly, huffing as she nosed against his palm.

"Hi, Prowl," she cooed, curling herself against his hand.

He stiffened, door panels rising slightly as his optics flared suspiciously. But she only hugged onto his hand. After a moment of eyeing her, he slowly relaxed, unnerved by her contented smile. Baffled, he hummed softly to himself, puzzling over her behavior. It had to be a trap. The Primus-forsaken human was always doing things to him for meanness.

And yet…

The corners of Prowl's mouth twitched ever so slightly, his internal systems giving a soft purr.

* * *

Author's Note: Because even Prowl needs some love sometimes, especially considering all I put him through.


	25. Ch25: Impulse

_Author's Note: Sorry for the long delay on all my stories. I haven't been much for writing lately. I start Basic Training for the Air Force March 15, so I've been a little edgy lately. Chaos Knight's gotten a plot bunny in my head though, so here's more mech nonsense._

"Human thought is so primitive, it's looked upon as an

infectious disease in some of the better galaxies.

The kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?"

- Kay, MIB

* * *

Ch. 25: Impulse

Glancing up from the datapad he was working on, Ratchet sighed heavily through his vents. The little long-haired human was making soft happy noises to herself as she helped sort loose parts on Perceptor's desk. While he did appreciate that she was trying to be helpful and not go out of her way to torture him, he knew the scientist was going to have a fit when he saw her work. Joey had a bolt nearly half as big as she was in her arms and was hugging it to her as she did a little awkward shuffle to get it into the bin on a corner of the desk.

The little happy sounds had morphed into a muttered tune as she dragged each stray bit of machinery to the bin and wrestled it into the slots.

"Talking by the campfire. It's the simple things in life like when and where. We didn't have no internet, but man I never will forget-"

"Joey," he warned with a soft rumble as her mumbling became actual words. The little human looked up with a sheepish look, before falling silent. It wasn't long though before she started humming and then singing the same song again. They'd been at it for over an hour and the human song was starting to worm its insidious way into his processor.

He shook his head slightly to clear it, reevaluating whether she was out to torment him or not. She certainly looked innocent enough as she cleared the desk.

"Ratchet!"

The medic sighed as Perceptor darted into the room, obviously flustered and staring at Joey. The human offered him a jaunty little wave as the scientist ignored her and hurried over to Ratchet.

"It's on my desk! Touching my things!" He hissed, darting furtive glances at the human.

Ratchet sighed through his vents. "She cleared off your desk for you," he said, glancing suspiciously at the human. She'd hoisted herself up onto the parts bin and was sitting there with her legs swinging.

Perceptor glanced at her and then back at his friend. "It's getting… germs on my things," he whispered, optics frantic as he gestured at the girl.

Ratchet raised an optic ridge, before heaving himself out of his chair. Joey had apparently overheard, because she wasn't smiling anymore. The tiny human looked positively vicious as she eyed Perceptor.

"You know," she said slowly to Perceptor. _"It_ can hear and comprehend you."

"Remove it, please," Perceptor said, his words bordering on a demand as he ignored her.

Joey bristled at the red mech. Oh, so he thought she was a germ-ridden unintelligent animal? She stood up, reaching in her pocket and digging around until she found a receipt from an earlier trip outside. Smiling as innocently as she could, she pranced over to the edge of the desk right in front of Perceptor. The mech recoiled as though she were diseased and still smiling sweetly, she blew her nose on the scrap of paper, wadded it up… and tossed it into the armor gap between his joints.

Ratchet put his face in his hands as Perceptor screeched, flailing backwards and crashing into a cabinet and sending it toppling onto him. The medic turned his glower on Joey and the girl smiled.

They both glanced over at Perceptor as he thrashed, screeching. "Oh Primus it's in me! Get it out! GET IT OUT!"

"Now I got germs on his things," Joey announced as she rocked back and forth in place, enjoying the spectacle the red mech was making in his frenzy.

* * *

"Fraggit, Ratch!"

The medic's optics narrowed ever so slightly as Jazz huffed and resisted the urge to fidget again. It was a wise decision considering the medic had reached over and now had a wrench in hand. "How the Pit did you manage to get your arm about torn off?" He snarled, purposefully prodding the damaged strut as Jazz hissed and wriggled.

"We was just sparrin," he mumbled in his most soothing tone, eyeing the medic. He could practically see one of Ratchet's optics twitch as a low rumble escaped him.

"If you want to get some exercise, then I'm sure Ironhide would be more than happy to put you through your paces," the medic snarled, hands rough as he kept working.

Jazz shrugged, earning him another snarl and a light rap upside his helm from the medic. "It was fun until Cliffjumper took my arm about off."

"You were sparring with Cliffjumper?" He sounded incredulous as poked around Jazz's insides. "Do I need to do a scan on your processor?" Ratchet growled and continued to repair the torn wiring.

"Nah, Doc," he said, smiling half-heartedly. "Ya don't mess with perfection."

Ratchet snorted at him, but didn't retaliate. Jazz for his part sat still, staring at his hands in boredom. He gave a soft, surprised rev as Ratchet started muttering almost too low to hear. After a moment of listening, Jazz's optics widened. Ratchet… was singing?

"Watching the waves roll off the rocks, she'll forever hold a spot inside my soul…"

"Ratch-man… you singin?"

Ratchet instantly glowered at him, falling silent. The saboteur pouted as he realized Ratchet wasn't going to sing anymore. Jazz tapped the human's information network, smirking as he found and downloaded Ratchet's mysterious song.

Smirking faintly, Jazz sat still as the medic finished his repair work, all the while humming almost too softly to hear.

* * *

"SIPPING WHISKEY OUT THE BOTTLE, NOT THINKING ABOUT TOMORROW. SINGING SWEET HOME ALABAMA ALL SUMMER LONG!" Jazz preened as the other mechs gave him sideways looks as he walked down the hall blasting his new song.

He had to step to the side though as Perceptor ran past followed closely by Sideswipe and Sunstreaker. The twins were both crooning the words, 'put it on yoooou," as they chased the hysterical scientist.

He passed Wheeljack in the hall and the engineer shot him a curious look as Jazz danced in a circle around him before continuing on his way to a meeting with Optimus. Wheeljack huffed softly in amusement as he headed on down the long stretch of corridor, Jazz's song bouncing around his processor. His lips pulled into a smile behind his face mask as Joey appeared from a doorway, flouncing down the hall towards him.

"What'd you do to Jazz?" He called out as the human slowed and stopped.

"Haven't seen him, why?" She asked, moving closer to the relative safety of Wheeljack's right leg. When you barely reached ankle-height on most mechs, standing still in the middle of the halls was a bad idea. While Wheeljack wasn't the safest guardian, she was fairly sure he wasn't going to spontaneously explode right that second on the basis that his hands were empty.

"He was singin' was all," the engineer replied with a shrug, his New York accent and slow deliberate drawl making her lips twitch.

'Hey, do me a favor," she demanded, touching his leg and the much larger mech rumbled uneasily. "Say 'youths.'"

Vocal indicators flickering, he tipped his head to regard the human suspiciously. "….Yutes?"

Her grin widened perceptibly as he made a confused little noise. "Ever seen the movie My Cousin Vinny?"

"Er, no. Can't say as I have."

She held up her arms, fingers wiggling in what he'd learned meant pick me up. With a resigned sigh, he carefully picked her up as she beamed at him. "We have to watch it. It's a must."

* * *

"This isn't going to work," Ratchet muttered as Wheeljack fiddled with his newest toy.

The engineer harrumphed and continued his tweaking as Ratchet and Ironhide exchanged a glance. "Highgrade says it blows up."

"I checked the measurements myself," Wheeljack snapped, shooting a cranky look at the two other mechs as he continued his adjustments.

"That hardly means it's correct," Ironhide muttered in what he'd assumed had been too low a tone for the engineer to pick up.

Wheeljack brandished his wrench in a credible mimicry of Ratchet. "My measurements are all balls-on accurate."

Ratchet, who'd narrowed his eyes, blinked and Ironhide frowned. "What?" They both asked at the same time in the same incredulous tones.

"It's an industry term," Wheeljack grumbled, defending himself as he returned to work, yanking some of the wiring free to fiddle with it.

Ironhide just couldn't let it go, though. "The Pit is that a-"

"Humans use it."

"But-"

"I know a lot more industry terms."

* * *

Drift paused to see Joey sitting on his berth, her short legs swinging freely over the edge. "Where have you been all day?" He asked, moving over to sit beside the little organic.

She shrugged slightly, her expression sly. "Around."

He raised an optic ridge, rumbling quietly. "Doing…?"

She gave a soft bark of laughter, flopping back on the berth and using her arms to pillow her head. "Spreading the insanity that is human thought."

The red and white youngling tipped his head to one side. "You say the weirdest things some times."

"Oh, I know."

He huffed softly. "You could have at least invited me. I like chaos."

"Mmm chaos…" She purred, giggling as he huffed again. The two were silent for some time, until Drift fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Did you really put the twins up to putting… 'fishing worms' down Perceptor's armor?"


	26. Ch26: Punkin' Chunkin'

_**AUTHOR'S NOTES**__: First off, sorry for the gap between updates. More random, plot-less silliness for you guys. And as always, I no own Transformers. That honor belongs to Has-Tak._

* * *

Ch.26: Punkin' Chunkin'

"This is a bad idea."

"No, it's brilliant."

Joey glanced up from the book she was reading with no small amount of suspicion. Drift and Sideswipe were both huddled over a glowing data-pad that was resting innocently enough on Drift's desk. Not that she believed that whatever that thing contained wasn't going to make her miserable in some way.

No, she'd pretty much resigned herself to the role of 'organic accomplice.' It certainly didn't matter whether she actually had a hand in any of the mayhem or not; as far as Prowl was concerned, she was the Cybertronian version of the devil.

Drift huffed softly to himself as he fiddled with the data-pad and Joey's sense of impending doom increased. Now would be a good time to flee, except that she was currently on Drift's berth huddling under what smelled suspiciously like an old grease rag. If not for the fact that the mech's had no concept of 'fricking cold' and didn't seem to care whether or not she became a squishy-sicle, she would never have touched the stinking thing. Not freezing was definitely higher on her list of priorities than smelling nice.

"I didn't think those things could get so big." Drift sounded awed.

Sideswipe's head bobbled slightly as he gestured to something only the mechs could see. "They get squishy this time of year too." He glanced at Drift with a devilish smile.

Oh, yeah. Joey's internal alarms were all screaming: run, run now! The only way off the berth, though was a very long drop with a very sudden ending. The odds of not maiming herself in a desperate attempt to escape? Not very good.

And aside from her stinky 'blanket' there was nothing to even hide behind. She somehow doubted pulling the rag over her head and declaring she was invisible would work with the mechs. It hadn't even worked when she'd been a small child trying to avoid being made to take a bath.

"They're slimy on the inside." Sideswipe's voice lowered to a crooning purr of pleasure that made her squirm. The last time he'd gotten that particular gleam in his optic, she'd gotten in trouble for telling the younglings about jousting. Really, how she was supposed to know they were stupid enough to pair off into teams and try it using their alt-forms as steeds with their team-mate riding them with light poles they'd found just _lying around outside_.

Expression turning thoughtful, Drift toyed with the chevron on his helm with his fingertips. "The awesome potential is definitely there." His mouth worked as he ran his glossa along the surface of his dental plating.

"And it's not like Hound's going to do anything fun with them." The red Lamborghini persisted, knowing how close he was to victory. "It's recycling." At Drift's doubtful look, the red youngling huffed. "They're just going to lay there and rot."

Jumping off the berth suddenly looked like an appealing option, Joey thought warily as Drift turned toward her. She backed away to the far edge of the berth. Not that it'd do her any good, she thought sourly. Drift had never quite stopped thinking of her as his pet, despite his insistence that he had. He probably always would view her as a little squishy organic that he could pick up and wool- not an intelligent human being.

"Here, Fluffy."

She only made a token resistance as he reached over and wrapped his fingers around her. He was always careful with her, but she still disliked being manhandled by giant alien robots- it just happened to a quirk of hers, go figure.

"Drift." She hated the whine in her voice as she squirmed and pushed at his fingers.

He ignored her meager struggles, petting her hair with his free hand and she let out an exasperated sigh. "Who we targeting?" Drift asked as he kept up the petting. Which shouldn't have been as enjoyable as it was. The big mech was surprisingly gentle with her and the petting was almost as good as a massage- a fact that only made her feel more disgruntled.

"Prowl would be the obvious choice," Sideswipe said after a moment. "Ratchet."

Drift's optics rounded. "Er.."

"Don't tell me you're scared of the_ Hatchet_." Sideswipe snorted, lips stretching in a guile-less grin.

"Yeah, but you're forgetting the fact that he's psychotic." Joey muttered as she arched her back under Drift's ministrations.

"She has a point." Drift grinned and Sideswipe's optics narrowed. "I'm guessing that's why Sunny wouldn't help?"

"You're just _scared_." Sideswipe insisted. He huffed softly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Danger, Will Robinson." Joey whispered loudly to Drift, but the youngling was ignoring her. He was fully focused on Sideswipe.

"I'm not scared."

"Then prove it."

* * *

In retrospect, Joey thought, young mechs and young boys weren't all that different. And neither could tolerate a challenge. Especially if their own bravery was called into question.

"Where are we going?" She asked. Not really that it mattered since she didn't have much say in the matter anyway. Drift was carrying her wherever he pleased.

"Outside," Sideswipe said enigmatically and she sighed and propped herself up in Drift's hand.

She doubted claiming she had been an innocent bystander was going to save her from mechly wrath whenever they accomplished whatever stupidity they had planned. She felt only marginally assured that she'd get a gentler punishment than the two younglings simply because she was more fragile.

The heated air hit her like a brick wrapped in a dirty gym-sock as soon as they stepped outside. Whereas the base was unpleasantly chilly, the outside world was still a desert. It was hot, dry, and- dear lord, what was that awful smell? She gagged slightly as she realized they were knowingly headed toward the _stink_.

"Hey! The human wants to go back inside- where there's air scrubbers." She demanded as she pulled the neck of her shirt up over her nose. Not that it really helped with the smell. Maybe they were going to pelt someone with roadkill, she thought dizzily.

"Where's your sense of fun?" Sideswipe chided her and she flipped him off.

"I can't breathe!" She slapped one of Drift's fingers and he paused, looking mildly worried before he realized she was exaggerating again.

"Wheeljack says it's good to let you outside every now and then." Drift muttered decisively, nodding his head.

"Wheeljack can shove it up an exhaust port!" She seethed as she squirmed in his grip. She blinked however as they rounded a rocky outcrop to reveal a pitiful, but well-tended garden. A few brittle, brown vines coiled and snaked over the ground and a few sickly looking, but large pumpkins were growing in the relative shade of the outcropping.

They were certainly the biggest pumpkins she'd ever seen, though certainly not the healthiest. And it didn't take her long to tag the reek as being a combination of rotting vegetable and manure. "Oh God." She dry heaved, earning a low growl of warning from Drift before he set her down.

_Closer to the stink._

She clapped a hand over her mouth as she glared at the two mechs. Sideswipe and Drift were both ignoring her in favor of gingerly scooping up the fragile pumpkins. Her eyes narrowed as she watched them.

To her utter shock and horror, both of them started back toward the base with their prizes. Leaving her with the rotting pumpkins. Cursing, she ran after them for a few yards, before heat and lack of exercise resigned her to a slow walk.

* * *

All hell had broken loose when she finally made it back to the base; as though her trip hadn't been long enough, she'd had to deal with Mirage feigning he didn't know her at the entrance. The smug mech had questioned her for what seemed like forever before he'd decided he had possibly seen her before and had called Ironhide to come verify who she was.

As she followed the silent red mech, she heard the yelling before she saw it. Ironhide vented noisily as he slowed.

"YOU LITTLE PIT-SPAWNED FRAGGERS!"

Drift and Sideswipe came running around the corner, skidding to a halt as they nearly ran down the weapon's specialist. "Frag!" Sideswipe hissed as he backpedaled, but Ratchet had already cut off their escape.

The medics optics were nearly white with rage and Joey took an involuntary step back.

Ironhide caught Ratchet under his arms as the medic lunged toward the younglings. Sickly yellow, fleshy chunks of pumpkin were stuck all over his armor and he was coated liberally with what could only be pumpkin slime.

If mechs could foam at the mouth, she was pretty sure Ratchet would be. His fingers were curled into claws as he grabbed at the two younglings.

"Orange ain't a good color for ya, Ratch." The weapon's specialist chuckled, ignoring the filthy look Ratchet aimed his way.

Drift and Sideswipe both flattened themselves against the wall as Ratchet lunged again. "LET ME GO! I'LL FIX THEM WHEN I'M DONE!"

Ironhide rumbled and eyed the younglings. "Now would be a fraggin' good time to run." He intoned darkly as he abruptly let go of Ratchet.

Sideswipe screamed and shoved Drift aside, running away. Drift wasn't far behind.

Joey watched the slimy medic chase after them, snarling threats that not only sounded anatomically improbable, but painful. She turned and caught Ironhide staring down at her with no small amount of trepidation.

"You sure you didn't have anythin' to do with this?" He looked suspicious, not that she blamed him.

"Not this time."

He grunted, optics scrutinizing her. "I suppose you want a lift?"

"I'd appreciate it." She smiled, which only seemed to make him more wary.

She stepped gladly into his offered palm, biting back a smile as he muttered to himself about looking like a sissy carrying her around. Well, what do you know, she thought idly. It wasn't such a bad day after all.


End file.
